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EXPERT TAX ADVICE for BLOGSPOT PUBLISHERS

 It's that time of the year again. I wont even try to be cute. I get so fucking angry. That's right. It's Tax Time. If I so much as imagine giving even one penny to the Tax Man, my blood boils. Literally. I should sue them actually. Boiling blood is terrible. If it gets in your circulation it can cause great stress and discomfort, and even serious personal injury, which may result in hospitalization, and expenses into the thousands, not to mention loss of earnings, and diminished ability towards future work and earnings, through permanent irreversible disability!


  Fortunately, AdSense pays shit, and I haven't even cracked half-way to the officially sanctioned "Canadian Poverty Line" which is set by Federal Government as 35K or some such other baloney, so I wont be needing the services of any Accredited Forensic Accountancy Experts, Professional Court Witnesses, or Extended Liability Coverage Insurers of any kind. All I have to do is print out AdSense's "Statement of Earnings" for each month of the fiscal year ending December 31, 2011. This is found in the "Payments History" of your AdSense account. They even translate it into Canadian for you, automatically and everything. From there I simply go to get my free Canadian Tax Form from any post office up here in Canadia, fill out my name, info, address, (don't forget to claim the GST rebate or you wont get it) and submit zeros all across the line. It doesn't really matter how you fill out the number-crunching part, because down at Revenue Canada they have a Junior Accountant locked in a broom closet, going over each and every fucking form that gets sent in, and correcting every one anyways, so just make sure you staple the print-outs of each month's earnings to the front of the whole thing, and they will do it for you.   I actually only made more than $100 (the monthly earnings minimum to merit pay-out) six times, so it gets even simpler. I'll break it down for you with this ultra-streamlined, super-simplified, easy-to-understand checklist;

GOG's SIMPLE STEPS to TAX TIME for DUMMIES

1. Make more than a hundred dollars each month blogging
2.Print out statement of earnings*
3. Get Canadian Tax Form and Guide
4. Make sure you have a stamp (important)
5.staple everything to tax form
6. Mailbox &
7. Throw your copy in the garbage and wait 4-6 weeks for the postman to bring you your sweet, sweet rebate cheque. I think its $200 or something around there.
 *(Note; if they ask you anything about the missing months where you didn't make enough to get paid, just tell them you are unemployable and that's why you are a blogger. This will get them to leave you alone.)

  If, and I would rather not even discuss this part, if you have made significantly more than $35000 and you absolutely must remain in Canada, I would have to say that you could find yourself to be entirely hooped my dear friend, and if you want to avoid the wrath of "Collections", you will need to actually (cringe) Pay Tax on Your Income. Of course, you would have a small fortune of monies that you earned for doing essentially nothing at all (well, nothing much, anyways) and I think you could at least suck it up a little and do this one tiny thing! Besides, my Attorney (pictured) instructed me specifically that I was not to; advise, council, or in any way suggest to readers at GOG&MAGOG to commit and/or engage in any form of Tax Evasion, Fraud, or Flight from Prosecution thereof. Just Be A Grown-Up! Learn to do simple Tax Return Forms (it comes with an instructions) I know it's boring, but those taxes aren't going to pay themselves. That's why we sell advertising!

My Legal Council; Akiva "Double-Double" Medjuck

66,666 PAGE VIEWS

Check it out, I was looking at my blog today just as my page-view count turned over to view number Sixty-Six Thousand, Six Hundred, and Sixty-Six. Here's the screen-cap...


   So, to commemorate this momentous occasion, I thought it appropriate to present this...


Couldn't have done it without my loyal followers...
WE SALUTE YOU!!!

Born To Raise Hell!

MAXIMIZE YOUR GIRL GUIDE COOKIE EARNINGS




 It's girl guide cookie selling time again this year and I can't hardly wait! Not only do I completely LOVE girl guide cookie selling time, but I have also hatched a scheme whereby I will totally get RICH from it too! It happened upon me last year when one of these little girls in the uniform comes to my door, and when I looked at her, having already fallen for the gimmick and purchasing a box, I decided that I could do the whole racket for myself; I could get me a little girl and put her to work for me, selling cookies, and this could generate some serious revenue.


Serious Revenue


  However, I needed to procure myself a small girl child to make this plan fall into place. This I accomplished very easily. I simply hid behind some bushes up the street a block ahead of the girl scout I had just been doing business with, and waited for her to come past. I then grabbed her and abducted her back to my home, or more specifically, my basement, where she has been all year till now as finally I can put my operation into play. When I originally got her, she came complete with the uniform and even a supply of cookies, so my overhead is more or less completely covered, I will see nothing but immediate returns on my investments, and it will be pure profit from here on out.

Opportunity Knocked

   I was a little afraid she was going to maybe try and run away when I let her off her leash to go up to each person's door, but I think she really believed me when I promised her I would kill her mother (and dog) if she so much as thought about escaping, and that seemed to work fine. also I put thumb tacks in her shoes so it would be too painful for her to get too far too quickly, just in case..


Nevar Forget


  The overall endeavor was an unmitigated success. people had given her much more than the inflated asking price of the cookies I had set, taken with great gestures of charity at this child's wasted vacant visage, and I pulled a solid $450 for a mere 20 boxes of year old cookies that didn't cost me a dime. I was feeling pretty good, until I got "girl guide" back home and realized we had completely depleted our stock of merchandise and I would have to buy, or even worse, make, cookies next year if I wanted to repeat this fantastic money generating scheme, also her uniform was getting awful dirty and kind of too small for her, so there was a whole other expense in itself right there.

How quickly they grow...
 
  Just as I was giving up on the idea of keeping "girl guide" for another year, and more importantly, wondered how I would get rid of her, I remembered it is the annual Community Bar-B-Que and Chili Bake-Off next week, and as I size her up in her cage, I see right there how I can make the best Bar-B-Que Sausage Chili ever and win the $1000 grand prize..


``mechanically separated``

``may contain traces of girl guide``

$$$ Great Profit $$$