"Maestro Speaks!"


"Here, here Old Man!

"I always hated that train..." 


  Looking over the statistics for GOG & MAGOG blog, our technicians have discovered that recently there has been a sharp rise in the number of viewers coming from the People's Republic of China. Our skilled panel of analysts and statisticians have taken a serious look at this sudden influx, and upon further consultation with our lawyer, we have decided to present this latest posting in it's full Chinese translation. We would like to thank the Pan-Asian Languages Department at The University of Kapuskasing for their care and dedication in assisting us with this project, as well as all the native-tounge Chinese volunteers from; the Chinese Society of Students at Centennial College, The Imperial Colleges Chinese Society, The Chinese Society of Trinity Colleges, Dublin, and The China Institute office at the University of Texas at Austin, for their hard work, insight and guidance, without which none of it would have been possible.

  GOG & MAGOG 和瑪各博客在統計數據看,我們的技術人員已經發現,最近出現了急劇上升的觀眾來自中國人民共和國。我們的分析師和統計人員熟練的面板已採取了認真的看著這突然湧入,並與我們的律師進一步協商後,我們決定提交這份最新發布的中國。我們想感謝的泛亞洲語言文學系,在大學裡,和所有為母語的中國人民志願軍在百年學院的中國學生協會的舌頭,帝國學院都柏林的三一學院,中國社會,中國社會奧斯汀的得克薩斯大學中國研究所辦公室,對他們的辛勤工作,洞察力和指導,沒有沒有已經成為可能。

奧斯汀 DWI 今晚的情節,在我們的廣播告知觀眾 GOG & MAGOG 的博客點我想利用這個暫停,我們主機和專用 URL 服務器 www.gogxmagog.blogspot.com 的的的的歷史和詞源,他們是我們的名義的同名,吉祥物以及聯為一體,作為繆斯激發這個網站蓬勃發展。

  GOG & MAGOG 和瑪是指標題,一個國王,應該王國的 Ezechiel 書多次在這裡有一個小的味道;






And Now, Back To Our Program...

  So we survived another round of commercials and now the show was back on. They’re all back to normal, focused on the TV. I think I already said how boring I think this show is. The idea of this swash buckling DWI attorney was preposterous, to say the least, and the cheap production values, and unappealing characters made it a chore to watch. I wouldn’t have watched it if I was home, in fact, I would have rather spent this time not watching it here either, alone in my cell, so I could go over my thoughts undisturbed. I needed to focus, but not in cheap entertainments, in repeat re-runs no less, but I had no choice. I was expected to watch right along with all the others. Attendance for the screening of Austin DWI was mandatory, and the entire population of our block was there. They liked it.

Mandatory Attendance
    Well, you could make me watch, but you couldn’t make me like it. This car accident lawyer “who-dun-it” show was the worst piece of crap; I guffawed at its absurdity, even as the rest of the cons reeled and swooned with the very glances Our Hero Austin DWI threw about the scenery. Oh look, there’s Mrs. Howell from Gilligan’s Island. They’re really parading a cavalcade of stars tonight! Looks like she’s the old boy’s Wifey, as she’s being held below decks on an ocean liner by swarthy guys with black fedoras and trench coats on. The cabin is decorated with empty cardboard crates and a hanging “3rd degree” light. Mrs. Howell is tied to a chair and you can see how fake the rope is as it falls around her as she struggles to “free” herself from her captors. One of them holds a pistol, and the other one lunges into his cue “You better tell us where the diamonds are, or else!”   
  He means business, and to show this, the writers include a close-up shot of him raising his fist so as to strike and then cutting away to just a blackened screen and the shriek of one Lovey Howell. (The inimitable Natalie Schafer)

The Inimitable Natalie Schafer
    The bumper for Austin DWI flashes on the screen with the distinctive 12-14 bars of the instantly recognisable theme song chime out to inform us of another commercial break. This show has a LOT of commercials in it. As thought the actual program in earnest wasn’t bad enough. Now it’s 3 ads on either side of “Station Identification” and then a Public Service Announcement before 2 30 second “tune in weekdays at 3 for “Joker’s Wild” and weeknights at 7 for Black Sheep Squadron, (does this station ever play new programs?) self-promotional slots before getting back to the show. The whole time the population sort of sulked and turned back and forth in their seats. They needed the Austin show to continue, they were mulish, sultry, but fairly silent in their discomfiture and impatience. The show came back and they eased off and breathed once more.

With your host, Jack Barry. Weekdays at Three.
     The faint wave of nostalgia, and the brief distraction it affords, gave me pause, and I almost, absent mindedly, began to follow the dramatic story arc of what was going on in the program I sat watching, despite my better efforts. Seems as though Gus the Fireman is so rich that he sends his wife, Mrs. Howell, out on world-wide shopping sprees where she buys all manner of priceless luxury items as well as large sums of foreign currency, precious metals and gems. She’s just on her way back after a globe-trotting binge and has a fortune of diamonds stashed away somewhere. Now these crooks are going to get it, and by any means necessary it seems. The guy with the gun tells the other guy to take a breather. “Go get on the blower wit’ de old man again an tell him to step on it wit’ that ransom money, already!”          

These guys ain't messin' around!
     As he fumbles with these simple lines, the actor seems slightly paralyzed, partially induced by the quality of the script no doubt.  He is frozen stiff at the shoulders and much too intensely guarding the tiny, little old woman in front of him, the gun welded in aim at his captive sitting perturbedly across the room from him. His flop sweat comes off well, being actual beads of real nervous perspiration as he jerks the gun sideways at his crony, off of the beat, and preforms a clumsy, and totally accidental, visual non-sequitor which is quickly cut away in an urgent edit. 

  Buddy’s on the phone, a pay-phone on the wall, next to a port-hole style window denoting their presence on a boat.  I thought to myself, “Do they even have pay-phones in storage lockers on ocean liners? Is that even a ‘thing’?” Then I also considered that maybe I would never find out. Maybe I would remain here in jail for the rest of my days and never get out. I might never be able to know! This thought crushed my spirit just that much more that I would have to languish in my ignorance, wasting away my entire life, watching some awful re-run of some second rate TV show, with its unrealistic portrayal of the realities of driving while impaired, if not the patently false glamorization of the roles and lifestyles of car accident attorneys and personal injury lawyers. The insignificance of it all, and my inescapable position at its center, my powerlessness in its shadow, this almost had me at the point I might break.

On The Verge of a Total Bug-Out
     But No! None of that mattered here on Cell-Block K. There was no question amongst the boys. Austin DWI was the BOMB! A kindred cheer went up every time he entered the scene, they laughed heartily at the indulgences of his penthouse bachelor apartment. They silently looked to each other and nodded in unspoken agreement at how Heff this Huston Criminal Attorney was, living the pimp lifestyle with the bar right in his sumptuous living room. Man, they thought Austin DWI was Bawse, and to be honest with you, I found it hard to reckon with. 

  What could draw them so dramatically to this show? I was puzzled, and thinking, I noticed, that when I looked over, in front and to the side, there was Smiling Jack, actively averting his eyes from the screen, and pulling the visor of his cap over the front of his face while peering around it to keep an eye on the criminals surrounding him, but effectively blocking out all sight of the TV itself and being very careful never to actually look directly at the screen.

Averted Eyes

Startling Revelations Behind Prime-Time Broadcast

  Now the show is happening and I’ve completely retreated into daydreaming as a result of its dissolute monotony. I keep dreaming of all the colleges and PhD programs I could be attending in efforts to gain my university doctorate that would make me a fully qualified criminal lawyer and I could spring myself from this joint once and for all. The plot of the insipid Austin DWI episode was thickening up into a somewhat congealed form; of course it began with an unrelated character, usually the guest star, and he would be involved in the sort of traffic accident that would lead to the immediate need of the services of a car accident attorney. Then, Lo and Behold, There’s Austin DWI, who just happens to be strolling by, enjoying ice cream cones with some fair lassie on his arm. In a flash he’s all business, and he’s right there on the scene, handing out his business card etc.

Austin DWI Making the Scene.
   Tonight’s episode had the guest star/client be a bit of a “comic-relief” with this little old man who played as a drunk with a goofy 2-step and a crumpled hat. Turns out he’s an eccentric millionaire and he won’t stop driving while impaired and is constantly getting into hilarious fender benders. But it’s different now, see; he has good reason for driving like a maniac all over the sidewalk and everything. Tonight he reveals, all in a dramatic close up of his face, saying urgently to the camera “My Wife has been Kidnapped!!!

Dramatic Turn of Events
    Just as the old geezer guest star said those five words I finally remembered where I had seen that actor before! “Holy Shit!” I blurt out, “That’s Gus The Fireman!”

  It was said absent minded, yet came out just a split second before what  the old croaker said, and obscured his lines all together. This interruption was perceived as being so rude that the entire audience of criminals all immediately started bashing me and throwing garbage at me, screeching promises to do me great personal injury later if I didn’t Shut The Fuck Up! And I thought I might be killed right there and then if the TV broadcast didn’t mercifully cut away just at that moment for commercial messages from our sponsors. A few of the harder cons continued  glaring at me angrily, but the generally murderous atmosphere gradually dissipated while on the TV  insurance ads prattled on about coverage in event of wrongful death.

A Minor Riot Ensued.
 Sitting penitent I realized that there was one Absolute Law in this cell-block. It was the Unbreakable as well as Unspoken Rule; No Talking During Austin DWI! Sitting a row over I noticed Fox looking back at me. I felt he had been watching me the whole time and that he could read my mind and see my thought processes. Stern at first, he nodded at me in a sort of approval, as though in a rite of passage I had taken my beating and grown from the experience .


  Now that everybody had finally settled down, and the show was about to begin in earnest, the rabble decided to take it down a notch, just under a dull roar; then the sweet nut… the beginning of the program could start…

Fast-Paced Car-Action
   The “car accident lawyer” show begins as usual again with the titular DWI lawyer and Houston Criminal Attorney (Texas no less!) rushing to the scene of the crime only to be blind-sided by another more important and pressing conclusion of events that could only lead to an one hour episode every week for 7 years. It’s like the characters lived in some sort of “Fairy Land” where nothing ever changed and logic followed a very narrow and limited path.In the Universe that Austin DWI existed in, no one ever had to be accountable to the laws of nature, and things always turned out the same. I suppose it was comforting for some to watch this type of narrative, most likely the advertisers who bankrolled the thing, but frankly, just sitting there, with the heat turned up and the big dinner I just ate, it was starting to put me to sleep!

"Unbelievable Luck!"
   No one, and I mean Nobody, in my present company, glommed onto the concept of how actually tedious this show was. Zero. But, get this…They all seemed to embrace the lead character, in fact they all loved the lead character, a Houston criminal attorney. They tried to emulate his mannerisms, and boasted of his peccadilloes as thought they were their own. Austin DWI, who was sort of a cheap knock-off of Magnum PI but shittier, this car accident and personal injury lawyer. This cheap TV version of a shyster ambulance chaser was an Heroic Figure amongst these cons and other animals I shared residencies with. Yet at the same time, every single one of these criminals, The Austin DWI fan club of cell-block K, swore their undying hatred and had nothing but contempt for lawyers of any stripe. It was a peculiar duality to witness, and I surmised that it possibly, in some degree, was an effect of the criminal experimentation meted out by The Doctor and his henchman; Wrongful Death Rowan.

Typical "Animal"
   Smiling Jack was not ignorant to these proceedings. I saw the back of his neck turn red and the muscles in his scalp tightened visibly. He was aware of his surroundings yet seemed to simultaneously be floating a million miles away. In his mind he was taking stock of his self. In his mind's eye he saw himself as a beneficent leader amongst the cons, always fair, proactive, who acted not only accordingly, but also preventative, through harm reduction, and by being a mentor, like he was with those involved in the big Accutane class action lawsuits that slipped through his fingers and went right down the drain with the last shreds of his legal career. The shame of his failures seemed to compress themselves inward upon his entire stature, reflecting the frustrations and failures of his life into one concentrated silent scream, stifled forever within some eternal jail-house experience.

The "Old School Ties"
 It didn’t matter because the jail-birds weren’t paying any attention to him anyways. Also I was having a VERY hard time focusing on the car accident lawyer show because it was so BORING! 

But don't take my word for it, here is only the beginning...