HALLOWEEN : FORENSIC REPORT (part 4 - Monday 31th October, All Hallow’s Eve)

  As I left you in my last Halloween posting, I was skulking around in the shadows, washed in shame and guilt, not to mention the horror I felt as witness to my own monstrous acts, but, despite this, the great day had finally arrived. To be honest, it had not been easy for me this year, and I felt that maybe I was “partied-out” but I certainly had not weathered the nightmarish storms of the last few days just to forego the piece de la resistance. Today is Halloween itself, the entire reason for the holiday and all celebrations surrounding it, so I couldn’t miss out, no matter how I felt. Besides, I had decided my best strategy to evade the authorities was simply to keep moving. So off to yet another round of debauched adventures is what it had to be.
  Finding a party was certainly no mean feat. Everywhere in town was swinging tonight, and I had my choice of dozens of prospects, but hearing that there were three (3) differently hosted events up at the local University, I wisely chose to visit those hallowed halls of higher learning and absorb some of the post-adolescent abandon that was sure to transpire on campus tonight.
  Arriving at around 8PM I first made my way to the Department of Medicine, where the Clinical Psychology Doctorates were throwing a "do". I was actually quite excited to hunker-down with all the future M.D.s, knowing full well the legendary amount Medical Students were purported to drink and drug. This party was in full swing when I arrived; totally off-the-hook with gallons of medicinal grade ethyl-alcohol and large bowls of misappropriated pharmaceuticals laid out like hors d’oeuvres. The future brain surgeons and psychiatrists were all crowded around this ad-hoc pharmacy, greedily scooping up large handfuls of un-identified pills and swallowing them down with laboratory distilled 110% proof home-brew. It was sick. The future of health care splayed out before me in a drooling, vomiting pile, writhing in a stupefied orgy of excess and chemical abuse. Most of them couldn’t even stand, or speak even, wasted beyond control and it was not even dark yet. The scene resembled some sort of perverse mental ward, only the staff were the patients, and no one was in charge, or coherent even. This was too much, even for me, so I decided to leave these festivities early, but not before stuffing my pockets with the assortment of opioids and psychotropic meds that they had on offer first.

The Future of Mental Health Care
 Next I made my way over to the computer sciences building where I had learned that the IT boys were hosting their own little shindig. Now I don’t usually waste my time hanging around with computer nerds, they act like if you don’t know what cloud computing is or how network monitoring software works, that you are beneath them and not worth talking to. They are essentially nerds who have figured out they have one thing they can hold over you, and then take to their new found snobbery with the ferocity of a starving wolverine. And they still don’t know how to party. Their party was a dud. There were 45 guys and one girl, and she was fat, ugly, and  steampunk…so…

I asked this guy how he felt about his future in computer engineering and he said; "Feels Batman"
  I was starting to think I was officially "over" Halloween for good now. All year I wait for this day, and every year it seems to be a railroad straight into disaster. This evening was proving to be emblematic of that analogy. Like Goldilocks, I had found the one “too much” and the other “too little” Would my third option be “just right”?
  This “third option” was, in fact,  a party in the Philosophy department. There are a lot of things you can study at university, and most students are there as part of a life-long path towards some sort of definable career, with the possibility, even promise, of gainful employment after graduation, but philosophy simply isn’t one of those things. Last time I perused the “help wanted” section of the newspaper I don’t recall seeing any jobs offered for the position of “philosopher” so it is with this knowledge that I surmised, quite correctly it would turn out, that these dudes would be the most nihilistic, bent, and determined, suicidal partiers ever. I entered a scene that could have been out of ancient Rome. All were dressed in togas, or naked, and danced serpentine movements as people read avant-garde poetry and played on ancient stringed harps. Small fires burned all around and what looked like a human sacrifice was taking place at the far end of the packed room. This party was GREAT. Honestly, I’m seriously considering enrolling into one of the colleges in this university next semester. Post-secondary education is the BEST and I partied with my future alumni until the early morn.

His Philosophy is deceivingly simple...
  Well, it took me the entire lost, long weekend to live it, and an entire month to get it written, but I finally made it through. The trials, and tribulations, the anguish and physical injury, aside, I remain with the knowledge of the one fact that I had survived. I lived through another year’s Halloween and emerged out the other side, a survivor, bloodied, yes, but unbowed and if nothing else having gained in the obstinacy and resolve necessary to carry on and face the greater evil that lay ahead of me now. A much more obsequious demon, and one I fear greater than any child’s game at pretend devilry, the ugliest, most threatening, darkest  time of the year…yes…Christmas.  Yet again that time of year is drawing nigh, and by the looks of it, from where I stand here, we’re definitely going to be in for some nasty, nasty shit.

HALLOWEEN : FORENSIC REPORT (part 3 - Sunday 30th October) - Special "Devil's Night" Edition

 As noted in the previous post, I have been a little worried about my health, but I've managed to smooth that whole mess out. Seems that liver and kidney function governs the emotional areas associated with guilt and fear, this, as illustrated in the ideas of lower chacra and "intestinal fortitude", all meaning, that my body was simply detoxing and I had been "going to water" over nothing after all! As soon as I realized this, I told my shyster lawyer that I wouldn't be requiring his services after all, any more, and he was free to slither off back to laying in wait over at Central Hospital, haunting the shadows of the entrance to the Emergency Dept. I will, however, say whatever I want to say on the Internet, and name names too, because I don't afraid of anybody! I just switch a few letters around in their names so everyone still knows who I'm talking about but they still can't do shit. You can tell I'm feeling better, can't you?
   So. It is prescient that I mention my grip in "the fear" because that is precisely how I was feeling whence resuming consciousness that fateful Sunday morning. October 30th, Hell Night, Devil's Night, the night immediately preceding All Hallows Eve. Penultimate to the day itself, Devil's Night is actually the shadow of evil, darker and more dangerous: all consuming in it's obsequiousness. The common observer, being so mystified by the threatening, occultish aura of the upcoming Halloween night itself, leaves himself open to all manner and name of nefarious activities as the demons begin to descend and surround in their arrival for the Great Day Itself. "All Hail Satan!" they yell through banshee howls, their screeching, siren-calls echoing waves of fear to the dumbfounded, un-assuming, and ultimately doomed race of mankind. Your pithy religions will not save you now! Devil's Night is the master plan of all master plans...brilliant in it's pure ingeniousness...who would suspect, that on this homely, placid, "day before the storm" so to speak, that all manner of diabolical activities are scheduled to take place? Even the Cops are caught unawares. "who would be up to mischief tonight?" they might say, suspecting nothing tonight, and simply taking stock of their arsenal for the evening of Oct 31st itself. All the while the Devils are out! This is their night, of course, and they are exploiting their unspoken license  to run a free-reign of terror on this unsuspecting populous.
Satan's Minions
 I, of course, am no different. This is my favorite night of the year! Better than New Year's Eve, better than My Birthday, even better than Halloween itself! This is my Day-Pass from the dungeon of daily life, and I have Carte Blanche to go and vandalize the shit out of my asshole neighbor's house. I fuckin hate my neighbor. Just the one guy. Everyone else on my street rocks, we're all tickity-boo, I get along great with everybody...except this one guy. He's a real fuckin goof! He's always out washing his car with the classic rock radio playing too loud, and he hangs out with his loser friends on the sidewalk and spits and stares at people with his stupid stare, I hate him. Anyways...Hell Night is tonight and I'm totally prepared to do what I have to do. I've been planning it all year...I've got all the supplies, and a full itinerary, I've even drawn a map, with every move of  the operation noted and timed-out to the second. But first, it is still the "morning after the night before", and I need me a little drink-ie-poo. Some "hair of the dog that bit me", strictly for medicinal purposes, mind you...and a little "Dutch Courage" to boot, because I am bristling with the excitement of seeing my long-laid plans come to fruition.
  By noon I'm already fucked. I drank all the remaining Jagermieser (for my stomach) and 12 cans of Lucky, then moved on to half a bottle of vermouth that someone had left at my house, then some Ralph Loren Polo that my Aunt Gave me last Xmas. Then I found my wife's wallet, so it's off to the liquor store, then home to work on my disguise.
The Right Tools for The Right Job!
  Tonight is not about wearing a costume, tonight is about not getting caught, so its a no-brainer, and I've already got it assembled. Basic black-on-black will do it. Like a Ninja, I want to blend in and remain invisible.
  I can't wait until it gets dark, and normally, the amount I have drank should have me in a coma by now, but my nervous anticipation is giving me the ability to stay conscious, even in my advanced drunken state. Everything is in place, and it is unfolding in a way that can not and will not fail. Finally, when mercifully darkness descends I begin, and set the wheels of my master plan  into motion.
  The "Goof" lives 2 doors down from me. I gather my "tool kit" and sling it over my shoulder, then I slip silently into the night. I'm there in an instant, riding the bitter wind, and, like clockwork I set to the preplanned tasks at hand. First I take a dead rat I killed last week specifically for this purpose, a big one, rotting, and I stuff it into his mail slot. thenI piss on it. Then I smear dog shit on his door knob and the handrail running up to his door. that's the front door taken care of, now I slip furtively around to the back door and pour a litre of epoxy glue all over the lock and handle. then i put motor oil all up and down the steep, rickety back steps. Then I scatter large shards of broken glass all around the bottom area.
  Next its around front the house to his beloved automobile, which i fill the tank with 2kg sugar, then pour transmission fluid all over the paint-job, slash all four tires, smash headlights, and lastly stuff gas soaked rag into gas tank (for later...you'll see)
  Now I'm at to the third phase of my assault, which is to go and light fire to his trash. This is close to the side of the house so when I'm putting gasoline on the bins, I also liberally spray some on his walls, as well as inside a basement window I have just kicked in, specifically for this purpose. I brought lots of gas so I do the front porch too. It burns good, and as I pause to admire my infernal work as it starts to blaze, I am disappointed to see zero reaction from inside the house. Not even so much as a light goes on! I want him to run out in his underwear, freaking out and getting covered in glue, grease, shit, piss, dead rat and broken glass, but nothing. Maybe no one's home, and I've gone to all this effort for nothing! I grab one of the flaming trash cans in frustration and hurl it through his front window, screaming and ranting, calling the motherfucker out. "COME OUT AND FIGHT ME YOU FUCKING COWARD" I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. I catch myself, and realize I better beat a patch outta there before the authorities arrive, and high-tail it back home to my house, drawing all the curtains and sitting silently in the dark, as the gravity of my actions makes itself ever more appallingly clear to my growing fear in light of the seriousness of my just committed crimes.
  I sat up all night, listening to sirens and police radios and fire engines just outside my window, frozen with fear, afraid to even breath, but by morning, the worst had passed, and I had used my night to redouble my courage and try to go out and act like I knew nothing of what had conspired. I could hear from the people gathered outside to watch that nobody had seen anything, so I was going to go along with that...play innocent. Besides, I wanted to gloat over the fruits of my malicious labour.
  Unfortunately, I was so drunk when I had gone out, that I had accidentally chosen the house next door, and not the fuckin goof's house at all, I even got the wrong car. The house I raided belongs to a little old lady in a wheelchair, and she's apparently in ICU right now. Everyone is astounded that this could happen to the nicest, most-harmless, sweet, little old lady, who's 98year-old-heart just might not recover from all this terrible ordeal, and the 3rd degree burns and broken hip...Oops!
Whoopsie-daisy, My Bad!
 Post; Script:  I dunno who's car it was, don't care. They shouldn't park it on the street anyways.

A Pause In The Proceedings

I've got to take a brief hiatus from my reporting of the events of last weekend, until I hear back from my Attorney regarding just exactly what I can and, would be advised NOT to, say in the up coming, explosive, and salacious parts 3 and 4. Let me tell you, it is some precarious ground I will be covering, and some even more precarious advice I might be ill-advided to follow, considering my lawyer is primarily a mesothelioma lawyer...

Anyway, after I coughed up this thing on wednesday, I might have a few things to discuss with him more suited to his specialty. Or maybe I should see a doctor instead? IDK?Here's a pic of the hairball I choked up, tell me what you think?

Early signs of mesothelioma?
  I should have known better than to go to that rave in the old asbestos storage facility : (
Anyways, I'll tell you (most of) all about it later this week, right now I have to do my chelation therepy.

HALLOWEEN : FORENSIC REPORT (part 2 - Saturday 29th October)

This is part two btw...did I mention that yet? It is actually OK b/cuz I will probably say it about 200 more times, so don't worry...What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah...Haloween...emm...That was like....Last Week.
I kinda remember waking up still drunk &; also still conveniently "fully-dressed" in my costume so i located one of the many full beers i had opened and taken one sip only from last night and got right back to the job at hand, as you; my avid followers know full-well...is Blogging!

hair of the (halal) dog goat

So you can see how desperate I am to party in that pic, no doubt! Me too! I felt like Death warmed over. OMG...just thinking about that horrid day makes me want to go to City Hall and Kill Everybody...jk.

but seriously...The "Osama bin Laden" thing just aint cuttin' it any more...now I need to wear some "DIFFERENT" kind of costume. & honestly, between you & me, if I was truly together...I would have several costumes already lined up so I could rotate them and then, potentially, be "trick or treating" 24 hrs daily for over 4 days of daylight savings, or whatever you call it?
anyway...I digress....

Long story short- i got a new costume.

"new costume"

I waited until the first kid came up to the house for "trick r treats" and when he knocked on my door...I clobbered him and took his mask. he started to complain..but my constant pummeling and verbal threats seemed to do their usual magic work and he got out PDQ. Godess bless the little fucker anyways because he got me the freakin' BEST Halloween mask ever. I simply got one of my gf's bolts of black fabric and draped myself into today's equivalent of "Death" (gun is mine{also loaded})

This is Saturday night, don't forget...We Are Here To Party!...so me & the gf "high-five" and decide to paint the town. Then we were delayed when we got in a fight just before we left the house because she insisted "paint the town red" and I said the much superior, in my opinion..."paint the town BLACK"

so I says "fuck it!" I'm stayin' home! fuck you! & go party your brains out....hahah

then she does it!!! holy shit , I'm thinking....I better go follow her...

first we get to a party outside of this place...

I've done worse, haven't you?
So, I'm thinking...I'm OK with this. I like to par-tay and I like to think I have an open mind...maybe I should just let myself "go with it" like the kids like to say?

First up...I totally didn't expect a "wife-swapping party" Especially since I apparently was the only guy who brought his wife...but that's ok...these guys seemed pretteh leghit teh meh...so I just "hung" and got with the "vibes" Good thing too b/cause all of the sudden, these guys (pictured below)  showed up and just as suddenly proceeded to hoist, carry, and partake my sweet innocent(?) gf away from me and go through a somewhat secure looking doorway into a room that was also quite summarily slammed shut in the face of my apparent curiosities as to the wild celebrations & goings on within!

putting a lot of time and effort results in a very convincing costume, especially if you can organize your friends into a thematic group
So it looks like it's the bottom of the first and it's ME : 0 - GF : 1 . or maybe Me : 0 -  GF : 16, actually...Now I'm panicking. My gf's a witch...she's wickid...if I don't make a psychical mirror of her Aktionisms I could very well find mine own end...or the universe's or both! so I obey...
My duty is to also get fucked...laid...have extra-marital sex in a phoney-looking disguise for just this weekend and just this weekend only, once yearly & only in the name of love, romance, and keeping our relationship alive... I don't even understand...but I worship my little black magic witch and let her call the shots.

This translates as... that, I have to now, put out actual effort, and actually go out and procure for myself... pussy. girls. bitches. ho's. It's all around me. It's actually one of the easiest things I've ever imagined I could do. It's almost romantic. Not romantic but necessary. Necessary b/cause me and the gf are competing. and not un-important, but totally important b/cause I'm losing (sha-grin!) So I drop my pride and glance 3/half inches upwards to spy the loveliest most comely lass...just shy of making me "break trust" and fall in love...words cant describe her loveliness...here is her picture...(*gasp)

don't tempt me, my darling
so now I'm hooked. I've gotten the Halloween spirit, the Mojo, dat as...I am all-in...I can totally work with this and my new-found lady-friend, who introduced herself as "Ralph" (such a pretty & unique name for such a pretty and unique young lady) and I summarily "decide" for "us" that "we" should both make me carry "us" both "out-back" or something, at least I was angling to get both of us outside to somewhere more conducive to romance and less conducive to criminal prosecution...then, just when I thought I couldn't fake being less conspicuous...COCK-BLOCK-her "gal-pal" no-rent room-mate shows up and steals my lovely away from our behind-the-dumpster-Arcadia...so harsh this world...my sweet...so fleeting it's pleasures....

brief encounter
Anyway, yes, Night #2 of Halloween 2011 is definitely in competition for second place amongst Friday's proceedings and the ones you just read here...but it's all good...it's not meant to be a competition...I'm just hoping my gf is ok...and if she is gonna come home anytime soon...or call me?...please...if you are reading this...honey...please call...

HALLOWEEN : FORENSIC REPORT (part 1 - Friday 28th October)

Well, I knew I would over-do it this year, as far as the festivities surrounding Halloween go, but I am still shocked and amazed as to just how out-of-control things got for me. Four straight days and nights of alcohol abuse and partying, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I did, where I was, and what did I spend all my money on? I lied in bed all day yesterday, suffering nausea and cold sweats... trying to put the shattered pieces of my mind back together, gripped with fear and shame, yet still not fully cognizant of the entirety of my self-destructive roller-coaster ride that was Halloween 2011.

I'm going to have to go over the wreckage several times, as fragments of horrifying stupidity and gut-wrenching embarrassment gradually solidify into my recovering mind. So I'll break my tale up into a few separate parts and hopefully, by week's end, I will have the story at least chronologically straight. I mean, it started out innocently enough. Fairly simple task- get a costume, go to parties...we shall see about that....

My first problem of the weekend past was just that...What exactly was I going to dress as? Seems like every year I feel totally obliged to wear some silly outfit-it is expected, right? Not that I'm so into "dress-up" but I do understand the basic logic that says, "If you don't wear a costume, you wont have as much fun!" even though I put off getting an outfit until the very last moment.

Its times like these that I can't make my imagination function-I had no clue as to what I would be, nothing...I kept walking to my closet and looking at my clothes. I never realized that I wear the exact same thing every day, and my regular clothes are probably the drabbest, plainest things I could get-black jeans-white t-shirts, plain grey shirts and sweaters, and an ordinary looking golf-jacket, kind of urban camouflage-you'd never notice me in a crowd...

So what am I to do? I'm too cheap to go buy something to wear, and there's no way I could build something...but wait...I have one thing...I own this weird Chinese vest...kind of a Nehru jacket with no sleeves, and I have an old-fashioned night-shirt the kind that goes down to my knees. So that's what its going to be-I shall be a racist stereotype!!!

 Alrighty then, I'm feeling a tiny bit of successful here, because, if you can't be scary, you can at least be offensive! My sense of triumph did not last however, as when we finally left the house to make our social rounds, I encountered a totally different problem altogether. I'll explain this step-by-step and you will be able to see what I mean....

Here's the first event we attended....

L to R; Wanker, Asshole, Ho, Loser, and Fuckin' Goof

You will notice that NOBODY is wearing a costume. Unless they are all dressed as alcoholic losers, but I doubt this crowd could be that clever. Worse than the no costume thing is they kept calling me Osama and treating me as if I were actually a Muslim extremist. The guy in the white shirt kept getting in my face and jamming his finger into my chest, alternating between homicidal rage and actual tears of sorrow for all the heros of 9-11, Frankly he was so wasted I couldn't really understand what he was saying, although he kept pointing at me and pointing at his eyes, letting me know he was watching me. I felt threatened and absolutely unwelcome here so we left and went to this party here...

 "douche-bag" was the most popular costume this year
Great! the overall theme this Halloween seems to be taking shape...no costume, gallons of booze, boy was my face red! Anyway, not wanting everyone else's lack of spirit to ruin my night, I bravely forged ahead. Just when I was about to give up my faith in my fellow man's ability to cut-loose and go wild, we finally arrived at this party...

now THAT's more like it
So, it's "one of those" kind of parties, is it?
My faith in humanity is restored
Winner of Best Costume Award
So Friday was not a total bust, and to be perfectly honest, the actual day and night of Halloween are really the only mandatory dress up times, but we still managed to get crazy and go wild. In fact, I wasn't even sure how I got home that night until my neighbor showed me a pic she snapped of me arriving home at 6am. Good thing I left the car at home!!!

don't drink and drive
OK so that seems to cover Friday night adequately, and at least that one corner of my booze-addled brain is sorted out, but there are still 3 more days and nights of celebrating for me to cover, so tune in tomorrow for part two of my attempt at bringing the details of this historic weekend into focus...and yes...it does get worse!