I love to Internet! It’s so easy and it is a fun way to meet new people. A good way to make new friends with Internet is to manage a blog. This is an easy way for the worldwideweb community to “check you out” and leave comments in the comment section. I, personally, am grateful for every visitor to my blogspot domain and see to it that I personally answer each and every comment to my Open URL. For a while last summer I had several Tamilese followers to my blog, because I had checked the “enable Tamilese” box in my page elements. I translated their comments and seeing as I totally couldn’t really figure out if they were bots or not, I merely dedicated posts to them, anyway, my point is, I answer my correspondence, which adds up to about one email every 7 or 8 months, if even. So it’s no biggie, but I’m courteous, charming and polite, so fuck you.

Ok, I’m rambling way off topic here. You see. Recently I began a correspondence with a new follower to my blog. I admit I was a little shocked to see a short note from a (supposed) girl and attached to that, ths famous suicide photo of a blackmetal guy from the Norwegian Black Metal scene. That photo is so ubiquitous amongst the sub-culture that it doesn't really have the power to shock any more, but the mere act of a stranger proffering images of such a nature is possibly cause for some alarm, I guess. Of course, in my blog, I had recently looked into Internet gore-culture so it appears I have opened up a rabbit hole and now beasties are crawling through. She introduces herself as Anette, and writes,
“Hi, I stumbled across your blog gogxmagog and I liked it, I attached for your section "dead people" this picture of Death Metal band Mayhem of my country, Norway. It was an album cover and is the real image of the singer's suicide.

(Editor's note; I didn't edit these co-respondencies, even though, like the next bit, some are over-long and boring to read. That said, the paragraph you will have to wade through here, is the longest, and only a paragraph at that, so,  bear with me gets better)

The singer Per Yngve Ohlin "dead" began killing himself with only 21 years of age. Dead first tried to cut the pulse veins open with a kitchen knife, when it took longer than he wanted to wait, he took Euronymous’ guitarist shotgun and shot himself to the head. The ammunition came from bass guitar Varg Vikernes, who gave it to Dead as his Christmas present. On the only farewell letter Dead proved his morbid sense of humor with only four straight words: "Excuse all the blood". The drummer Hellhammer was at that time with his parents. Euronymous, since there was only one key for the door and Dead locked it from inside climbed into the house via Dead’s window. When he saw Dead’s corpse he ran away to the first shop he could find and he bought a camera and took pictures of the macabre scene. Then he informed the police. Also he collected bone fragments and gave them to different people. He also made an amulet. A picture can be seen on the Cover of the Bootleg "Dawn of the black hearts".


"Said Dead, dead-headed"

Totally boring, copy-paste job, very amateur as far as gore pictures go, I know, but understandable and harmless enough I think, besides, I have a soft spot for disaffected youths, homely too I bet. But she seems sincere and frankly, I’m a little touched that this kid would reach out to me, so as the ever-gracious blog-host I do my duty to my public and send back

I know this picture, big fan of BM and esp. TNBM.
Sadly, I only do gore around xmas time, but I will keep this image in mind for xmass 2011!
what's your blog? I'd like to see it.”

See, I like to share a little “funny” with my fans, it’s conspiratorial and makes them feel important. And I really am interested in her blog. Honestly, I admire niche Internet and I am always on the prowl for more loaded imagery to copy and place on my blog.
Well, she goes and makes a classic fan/idol relationship mistake…she thinks we’re friends!
Here’s what she wrote back…

“I love bloody Xmas!! I've got no blog...I only have internet for the last few months. I;ve been a wandering soul around many european cities and I've have just returned to my dark Norwegian pantheon. Actually, I found you blog as I was looking for some ideas for my own, and I found some gifs on 4chan which led me to gogxmagog. Cd I count on you if I decide to do it?”

Now she’s getting dull. I’m going to try to finalize our interactions here. I’m not afraid to be curt, and to-the-point.

“Go ahead steal as much as you want. Thats what i do”

And that should do it. I think. A tip of the hat and a good day to you ma’am. All business like, and all.

Still, after hitting send, and sipping my morning coffee (blogger’s fuel) I’m thinking that she traced me back from an animated GIF I had left on 4chan. Something about that made me a little uneasy

The next day I get this in my inbox
“Wowwwwwwwww look”

"Am I wrong to read this as sexually forward?"

Ok, so this is actually starting to get genuinely creepy and has my full attention. Either this kid is for real psycho and (hopefully) sexually deranged, or this is a troll. But why would someone go to all that trouble just to troll little old me? It’s a real head scratcher, but I’m fairly safe in the notion that it probably actually is some depressed Goth kid in Norway somewhere, young, impressionable…I show these correspondences to my girlfriend, but not before I promptly reply to my new internet friend thusly.

"I am intrigued, my friend.
The four pictures attached represent my current favorite images from the Annals of Internet Gore.
I hope you enjoy them. Maybe you see a theme running through?"
and I attached these pictures

you just can't leave anything up to thier imaginations...
   I figure this will garner reactions from her that will in one of either 3 ways, be fully beneficial to me…
ONE-it will actually shock her and she will leave me alone
TWO she will dig it, and we can begin an online romance where I troll the shit out of her, or…
C). We begin an online romance where I brainwash her and influence her to kill for me.

Hey, maybe she would like to fly over to Canada and I can cut her head off and then fuck her? I dunno? What are you supposed to say to people who send you gore in the mail?
I wanted to think she was a dog-hating sado-fetishist, but maybe that’s unrealistic, whatever it is this whoever-she-is is up to, I’m finding kinda funny if not vaugely erotic, even though the gf was starting to look a little PO’d
Anyway, its a few days gone by and I’m thinking I’m safe of these intertube demons and cyber weirdoes
Then…she’s back!

“What I really love is animal torture, I hate dogs... I´m trying to look for this "Asesino knino" spanish video for days but can´t get hold of it...Do you know where could I find it??”

Ok…now she’s all business like; maybe she’s really into super-weird stuff, like Klinik or rolling around in piles of guts? She was talking about a blog that was put up eminating from spain that featured the rantings of a dog-killer with videos of the supposed torture and killing of a puppy. Of course I started "following" his blog as soon as I heard. Fake or not, it was one of the creepiest things I had ever seen online. Blogger removed the guy's blog like the next day, and I hadnt given it another thought when out of the blue comes this kid, online.
She has aroused my morbid curiosity, so I try to help her out with the little I could remember from a thread I saw on 4chan weeks ago…

“He had a blogspot for a couple days-but 4chan drew attention to it and it was removed. Looks like he was a real guy who had a beef with people letting their dogs shit in the park and not cleaning it up. The videos that he posted on his blog were a few years old though. Seems 4chan might have got him busted? You could ask around in there, just don’t tell them you like killing Humans are dogs as far as I’m concerned. Good luck.”

That’s what makes the Internet so truly wonderful…inter-connectivity. A vast network of human sharing.
A day later, she’s back in my inbox

"I've been looking for the Asesino Knino video and this is all I've got!

I don't even know how to download it! How do you know it is an old video?? Is there any other link where I could download it?? I've just opened a profile in Blogger... but I have deleted the bastards"

Ok this good, I've broken down the fourth wall and she’s allowing me some sort of intimacy in the form of a project we can share? I’m stupid, but a troll through and through…the best liars use healthy doses of the truth to perfect their art, so I offer my help as best as I can recall…

"Yeah that’s a clip from the original video. I only saw the thing by co-incidence because I happened to be on 4chan when the whole thing came up. The thread that it was in had commentors saying that the youtube, the original 20 min torture video was a few years old, it seemed unresolved as to weather this guy was real or a troll? But at the same time, there were reports that he had been identified, located, and arrested.
In a related story, when I was 10 years old, a neighbor of mine shot my family's dog on the ass w/ a pellet gun, just for his own sadistic pleasure. Now, I don’t particularly like or dislike dogs, but I took this both an act of cowardice AND as a personal affront. I went over to this coward’s house with a straight razor and I carved up his face, in front of all the neighborhood kids. I had to go to juvenile detention, but you know what? NOBODY including the cops could really blame me, they had to punish me according to the law, but in their eyes I was 100% within my rights to punish this fucking punk, a little shit who attacks poor defenseless animals. And I got off light. Be careful of what you do out there. You will pay very dearly for your cruelty and ill intent. In fact. How do you know I won’t give you up to 4chan? They are capable of ruining you, lock stock and barrel.

Check it ooot!"

That ought to fuck with her head sufficiently. To be honest I don’t care what this “person” thinks any more. She joined my blog and became a follower, and now I have 9. Its like I’m god or something, Ozzymandius, King of Kings.

About a week passes. Oddly, Anette is still following my blog with her moniker satan666 or some equally unimaginative bullshit.

"hi FappyDerp (my 4chan name) know that you were the first to warn on 4chan's a puppy torture blog of Asesino knino, and found that you have on your blogger profile, how did you hear of its existence?

Anonymous Group Norge – Opdogfight"

Now she’s trying to pull the old switch-a-roo. She’s whipped out the new corporate/scary looking official anonymous avatar on her blog follow thing, and changed the name. This idiot is beginning to piss me off actually.  That’s the true threat posed by Anonymous and 4chan, annoying Internet stalkers and clap-board fronts. I wisely decide that I will speak to her like she is an idiot and “so there!” (harumph sound) right in her face!

"First of all, you have to go to a little online app called googletranslate. And translate your English into English. Then you have to translate the news stories about a. knino from Spanish into Polish or Russian or whatever it is you speak up in hillbillie country over there.this is something I, myself, am too lazy to do. So you must do it yourself. I have included the URL in the form of a hyper-link so you can easily “click” on it and access this device.
Next you have to dig up the URL for assno knino's deleted blogspot account (also a job I don’t want)
Then you enter the dog-killer's URL into

Then take all the writing from deleted blog and translate it into Norwegian or whatever dead language it is that you write in.
Finally, go fuck yourself, you are starting to annoy me. Who do you think you are? A cop? this is a problem for the Spanish police. One with a degree in mozilla firefox, hopefully.
And who the fuck do you think I am? You????? Like I’m gonna "backtrace" everything I see on 4chan? Have you ever looked at that shit??? What isn’t depraved/illegal is so totally fucking banal that only a 12-year-old tormentor of small animals could stand to look at it for any prolonged period of time. It’s a great resource for hilarious shock images, but.  Jesus kid, there is so much waiting beyond the computer's screen, go outside and play you are missing out on life!!!
And don’t try and fool me like you are some sort of black ops underground secret organization, Anette. If you need MY help on doing this basic research, then you can't Internet at all. Period.
Stay away from my dog."

I guess I shouldn’t have allowed myself to lose my temper, but I couldn't resist. Don't go hand me this shit when I'm trying to read my emails, bitch, and I don’t appreciate people trying to tell me what to do. That’s MY role in this relationship. Besides, I’m usually much more effective and expedient at getting people I don't like to not want to speak to me, but this kid is frustrating that ambition. And what’s with the alter egos and assumed identity bullshit?
The next fucking day…

"Hi, "stay away from my dog"??? What do you mean? What the hell is that? are you trying to scare & threatening me? Seriously? Coming from you ,a guy who likes to masturbate to pictures of nude corpses?

Would you like Interpol and FBI to be on your tail? Do you think this is a game? You're not a kid, Tommy. I'm not talking about a 12 year old who tortures dogs, I'm talking about a psychopath who uses Letum canis blog to terrorise & threaten people. Do you get it?

I will ask you once again: where you the first person to tell 4chan:
Who gave you the blog's URL? How did you manage to find it?"

Alrighty, now she is officially a representative of an imageboard. I’m shitting my pants. Not really. I’m making a noise like I am with my mouth and tongue and blowing raspberries all over my screen and keyboard.

"FBI? INTERPOL? What about you go get The Man from U.N.C.L.E. and I'll kill his dog as well? and while you're at it, Kid, you Go and Get the Fuck Out! How do you like them apples! " She is actually starting to genuinely rustle my jimmies!

  "Now see here, young lady," I continue, " I don't think I like your tone!, you come around here unannounced, stalking me, presenting unsolicited pictures of dead metalheads (that I've seen about a million times already, thanks) and asking again and again about some supposed dog killer, supposedly in Spain. I saw it on 4chan, just like you, I don’t know or care where it came from. What I do know for sure is that you are full of shit. What? So you enjoy dog torture? you need to know more about some cheap crook?, why are you trying so desperately to track down this assiso knino guy that you feel you would have to insinuate my involvement? You don’t make a lot of sense, and I will admit, I was never fully sure who has been trolling who here, but when I try to picture you in my psychic mind’s eye, you are some sort of self styled crustie activist with daddy issues, either way you are attempting to insinuate me into situations I have no involvement in. so you can A) steady your pom-pom, and B) get off my back. If you had been paying attention and if you had been asking the correct questions on /b/ and if you had been presenting yourself honestly instead of sneaking around and playing caped crusader in the night you might get some results, but since you present yourself like a spoilt entitled child with an inappropriate sense of boundaries and a worldview based on reruns of inspector gadget, no one, including me, is going to help you. I have already informed FBI and interlope on YOU young lady. Now I’m going to phone yahoo and have you banned. Then I’m going to hire that “you dun goofed” guy to ride his ten-speed over to your house in the Netherlands there, and scream “you dun goofed” right in your face right as the cyber police burst in and haul your ass away to asshole jail for good. They like dog killers in there. 3/10"

 last summer I went through a spell where I would write back to email spam scammers, you know, the lady from Nigeria who by gods blessing has millions GBP awaiting in trust for you? I took on the persona of an old retired British general, from the great colonial age, full of bluster and round about formalities that lead nowhere. I got pretty good at “doing” the “colonel” and could whip off three or four replies daily, never offering more than rounds of congratulations and verbose endorsements and assurances of the scammer’s financial prowess and sterling reputation. Every email had to include at least one casually racist remark as well. I then heard that mid-level gang-slaves are forced to do this type of e-scamming, and interference into their system could very likely get people killed. So I stopped.

That is the thing with Internet. For as much fun as it is to do all this shit we musn't forget that there is a real actual living precious human being at the other end and that real actual living precious human being is pretending to be someone else, who is acting like Perry Mason crossed with The Green Lantern, and neither of these identities possess a single sense of humour between them. I think we all need to troll a little harder, gang, then maybe we can take this old Internet and really turn it into a more next-gen type of thing. Like an App or something. Only it stops dog-murder (?)

Fuck it. The World has real problems to worry about. Just look at this…

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous1:22 PM

    Fuck you fucking bastard!