從我們的贊助商的簡要說明
Looking over the statistics for GOG & MAGOG blog, our technicians have discovered that recently there has been a sharp rise in the number of viewers coming from the People's Republic of China. Our skilled panel of analysts and statisticians have taken a serious look at this sudden influx, and upon further consultation with our lawyer, we have decided to present this latest posting in it's full Chinese translation. We would like to thank the Pan-Asian Languages Department at The University of Kapuskasing for their care and dedication in assisting us with this project, as well as all the native-tounge Chinese volunteers from; the Chinese Society of Students at Centennial College, The Imperial Colleges Chinese Society, The Chinese Society of Trinity Colleges, Dublin, and The China Institute office at the University of Texas at Austin, for their hard work, insight and guidance, without which none of it would have been possible.
GOG & MAGOG 和瑪各博客在統計數據看，我們的技術人員已經發現，最近出現了急劇上升的觀眾來自中國人民共和國。我們的分析師和統計人員熟練的面板已採取了認真的看著這突然湧入，並與我們的律師進一步協商後，我們決定提交這份最新發布的中國。我們想感謝的泛亞洲語言文學系，在大學裡，和所有為母語的中國人民志願軍在百年學院的中國學生協會的舌頭，帝國學院都柏林的三一學院，中國社會，中國社會，在奧斯汀的得克薩斯大學中國研究所辦公室，對他們的辛勤工作，洞察力和指導，沒有沒有它已經成為可能。
奧斯汀 DWI 今晚的情節，在我們的廣播告知觀眾 GOG & MAGOG 的博客點，我想利用這個暫停，我們主機和專用 URL 服務器 www.gogxmagog.blogspot.com 的的的的歷史和詞源，他們是我們的名義的同名，吉祥物，以及聯為一體，作為繆斯激發這個網站蓬勃發展。
GOG & MAGOG 和瑪是指標題，一個國王，他應該王國的 Ezechiel 書多次在這裡有一個小的味道;
“對於我宣布，我的嫉妒和熾烈的憤怒在我的那日，必是一個很大的震動海的魚，空中的鳥，和田野的走獸，和所有在以色列的土地;爬在地面上，是在地球表面的所有的人，我的存在，和山區的地震在被扔了下來，懸崖必倒，牆垣都必跌倒在地上蠕動的東西。 “
迷人的東西，我知道，但還有更多！
“我會召集各種恐怖手段對付高格，主耶和華說，每個人的劍會反對他的兄弟。
用瘟疫和流血，我將進入審判他，我會不會下雨後，他和他的黨羽，他的許多國家的人民，暴雨和冰雹，火災和硫磺。
因此，我將告訴我的偉大和自己的聖潔，並在許多國家眼中的自己。然後，他們就知道我是耶和華。
所以，我想你可以看到我們勤奮的作家和設計師，我們的想法，我們為您帶來的故事，週复一周，娛樂和娛樂，同時有利於英語作為第二語言的學生。
我們感謝您的關注，現在返回到我們的功能演示。
GOG & MAGOG 和瑪各博客在統計數據看，我們的技術人員已經發現，最近出現了急劇上升的觀眾來自中國人民共和國。我們的分析師和統計人員熟練的面板已採取了認真的看著這突然湧入，並與我們的律師進一步協商後，我們決定提交這份最新發布的中國。我們想感謝的泛亞洲語言文學系，在大學裡，和所有為母語的中國人民志願軍在百年學院的中國學生協會的舌頭，帝國學院都柏林的三一學院，中國社會，中國社會，在奧斯汀的得克薩斯大學中國研究所辦公室，對他們的辛勤工作，洞察力和指導，沒有沒有它已經成為可能。
奧斯汀 DWI 今晚的情節，在我們的廣播告知觀眾 GOG & MAGOG 的博客點，我想利用這個暫停，我們主機和專用 URL 服務器 www.gogxmagog.blogspot.com 的的的的歷史和詞源，他們是我們的名義的同名，吉祥物，以及聯為一體，作為繆斯激發這個網站蓬勃發展。
GOG & MAGOG 和瑪是指標題，一個國王，他應該王國的 Ezechiel 書多次在這裡有一個小的味道;
“對於我宣布，我的嫉妒和熾烈的憤怒在我的那日，必是一個很大的震動海的魚，空中的鳥，和田野的走獸，和所有在以色列的土地;爬在地面上，是在地球表面的所有的人，我的存在，和山區的地震在被扔了下來，懸崖必倒，牆垣都必跌倒在地上蠕動的東西。 “
迷人的東西，我知道，但還有更多！
“我會召集各種恐怖手段對付高格，主耶和華說，每個人的劍會反對他的兄弟。
用瘟疫和流血，我將進入審判他，我會不會下雨後，他和他的黨羽，他的許多國家的人民，暴雨和冰雹，火災和硫磺。
因此，我將告訴我的偉大和自己的聖潔，並在許多國家眼中的自己。然後，他們就知道我是耶和華。
所以，我想你可以看到我們勤奮的作家和設計師，我們的想法，我們為您帶來的故事，週复一周，娛樂和娛樂，同時有利於英語作為第二語言的學生。
我們感謝您的關注，現在返回到我們的功能演示。
And Now, Back To Our Program...
So we survived
another round of commercials and now the show was back on. They’re all back to
normal, focused on the TV. I think I already said how boring I think this show
is. The idea of this swash buckling DWI attorney was preposterous, to say the least,
and the cheap production values, and unappealing characters made it a chore to
watch. I wouldn’t have watched it if I was home, in fact, I would have rather
spent this time not watching it here either, alone in my cell, so I could go
over my thoughts undisturbed. I needed to focus, but not in cheap
entertainments, in repeat re-runs no less, but I had no choice. I was expected
to watch right along with all the others. Attendance for the screening of
Austin DWI was mandatory, and the entire population of our block was there.
They liked it.
 |
| Mandatory Attendance |
Well, you could make
me watch, but you couldn’t make me like it. This car accident lawyer
“who-dun-it” show was the worst piece of crap; I guffawed at its absurdity,
even as the rest of the cons reeled and swooned with the very glances Our Hero
Austin DWI threw about the scenery. Oh look, there’s Mrs. Howell from
Gilligan’s Island. They’re really parading a cavalcade of stars tonight! Looks
like she’s the old boy’s Wifey, as she’s being held below decks on an ocean liner
by swarthy guys with black fedoras and trench coats on. The cabin is decorated
with empty cardboard crates and a hanging “3rd degree” light. Mrs.
Howell is tied to a chair and you can see how fake the rope is as it falls
around her as she struggles to “free” herself from her captors. One of them
holds a pistol, and the other one lunges into his cue “You better tell us where
the diamonds are, or else!”
He means business, and to show this, the
writers include a close-up shot of him raising his fist so as to strike and
then cutting away to just a blackened screen and the shriek of one Lovey
Howell. (The inimitable Natalie Schafer)
 |
| The Inimitable Natalie Schafer |
The bumper for Austin DWI flashes on the
screen with the distinctive 12-14 bars of the instantly recognisable theme song
chime out to inform us of another commercial break. This show has a LOT of
commercials in it. As thought the actual program in earnest wasn’t bad enough.
Now it’s 3 ads on either side of “Station Identification” and then a Public
Service Announcement before 2 30 second “tune in weekdays at 3 for “Joker’s
Wild” and weeknights at 7 for Black Sheep Squadron, (does this station ever play
new programs?) self-promotional slots before getting back to the show. The
whole time the population sort of sulked and turned back and forth in their
seats. They needed the Austin show to continue, they were mulish, sultry, but
fairly silent in their discomfiture and impatience. The show came back and they
eased off and breathed once more.
 |
| With your host, Jack Barry. Weekdays at Three. |
The faint wave of
nostalgia, and the brief distraction it affords, gave me pause, and I almost,
absent mindedly, began to follow the dramatic story arc of what was going on in
the program I sat watching, despite my better efforts. Seems as though Gus the
Fireman is so rich that he sends his wife, Mrs. Howell, out on world-wide
shopping sprees where she buys all manner of priceless luxury items as well as
large sums of foreign currency, precious metals and gems. She’s just on her way
back after a globe-trotting binge and has a fortune of diamonds stashed away
somewhere. Now these crooks are going to get it, and by any means necessary it
seems. The guy with the gun tells the other guy to take a breather. “Go get on
the blower wit’ de old man again an tell him to step on it wit’ that ransom
money, already!”
 |
| These guys ain't messin' around! |
As he fumbles with these simple lines, the actor seems slightly paralyzed,
partially induced by the quality of the script no doubt. He is frozen stiff at the shoulders and much
too intensely guarding the tiny, little old woman in front of him, the gun
welded in aim at his captive sitting perturbedly across the room from him. His
flop sweat comes off well, being actual beads of real nervous perspiration as he jerks
the gun sideways at his crony, off of the beat, and preforms a clumsy, and
totally accidental, visual non-sequitor which is quickly cut away in an urgent
edit.
Buddy’s on the
phone, a pay-phone on the wall, next to a port-hole style window denoting their
presence on a boat. I thought to myself,
“Do they even have pay-phones in storage lockers on ocean liners? Is that even
a ‘thing’?” Then I also considered that maybe I would never find out. Maybe I would remain here in jail for the rest of my days and never get out. I might
never be able to know! This thought crushed my spirit just that much more that I would
have to languish in my ignorance, wasting away my entire life, watching some awful
re-run of some second rate TV show, with its unrealistic portrayal of the
realities of driving while impaired, if not the patently false glamorization of
the roles and lifestyles of car accident attorneys and personal injury lawyers. The
insignificance of it all, and my inescapable position at its center, my
powerlessness in its shadow, this almost had me at the point I might break.
 |
| On The Verge of a Total Bug-Out |
But No! None of that
mattered here on Cell-Block K. There was no question amongst the boys. Austin
DWI was the BOMB! A kindred cheer went up every time he entered the scene, they
laughed heartily at the indulgences of his penthouse bachelor apartment. They
silently looked to each other and nodded in unspoken agreement at how Heff this
Huston Criminal Attorney was, living the pimp lifestyle with the bar right in
his sumptuous living room. Man, they thought Austin DWI was Bawse, and to be
honest with you, I found it hard to reckon with.
What could draw them
so dramatically to this show? I was puzzled, and thinking, I noticed, that when
I looked over, in front and to the side, there was Smiling Jack,
actively averting his eyes from the screen, and pulling the visor of his cap over
the front of his face while peering around it to keep an eye on the criminals
surrounding him, but effectively blocking out all sight of the TV
itself and being very careful never to actually look directly at the screen.
 |
| Averted Eyes |
Startling Revelations Behind Prime-Time Broadcast
Now the show is happening and I’ve completely retreated into
daydreaming as a result of its dissolute monotony. I keep dreaming of all the
colleges and PhD programs I could be attending in efforts to gain my university
doctorate that would make me a fully qualified criminal lawyer and I could
spring myself from this joint once and for all. The plot of the insipid Austin
DWI episode was thickening up into a somewhat congealed form; of course it began
with an unrelated character, usually the guest star, and he would be involved
in the sort of traffic accident that would lead to the immediate need of the
services of a car accident attorney. Then, Lo and Behold, There’s Austin DWI,
who just happens to be strolling by, enjoying ice cream cones with some fair
lassie on his arm. In a flash he’s all business, and he’s right there on the
scene, handing out his business card etc.
Tonight’s episode had the guest star/client be a bit of a “comic-relief”
with this little old man who played as a drunk with a goofy 2-step and a
crumpled hat. Turns out he’s an eccentric millionaire and he won’t stop driving
while impaired and is constantly getting into hilarious fender benders. But it’s
different now, see; he has good reason for driving like a maniac all over the
sidewalk and everything. Tonight he reveals, all in a dramatic close up of his
face, saying urgently to the camera “My Wife has been Kidnapped!!!
.jpg) |
| Austin DWI Making the Scene. |
 |
| Dramatic Turn of Events |
Just as the old geezer guest star said those five words I
finally remembered where I had seen that actor before! “Holy Shit!” I blurt
out, “That’s Gus The Fireman!”
It was said absent minded, yet came out just a split second before
what the old croaker said, and obscured his lines all together. This interruption was perceived as being so rude that the
entire audience of criminals all immediately started bashing me and throwing
garbage at me, screeching promises to do me great personal injury later
if I didn’t Shut The Fuck Up! And I thought I might be killed right there and
then if the TV broadcast didn’t mercifully cut away just at that moment for commercial
messages from our sponsors. A few of the harder cons continued glaring at me angrily, but the generally murderous
atmosphere gradually dissipated while on the TV insurance ads prattled on about coverage in
event of wrongful death.
 |
| A Minor Riot Ensued. |
Sitting penitent I realized that there was one Absolute Law in this cell-block. It was the Unbreakable as well as Unspoken
Rule; No Talking During Austin DWI! Sitting a row over I noticed Fox
looking back at me. I felt he had been watching me the whole time and
that he could read my mind and see my thought processes. Stern at first,
he nodded at me in a sort of approval, as though in a rite of passage I had taken my beating and grown from the experience .
CONFEDERATES; or CRIMINAL LAWYERS?
Now that everybody had finally settled down, and the show
was about to begin in earnest, the rabble decided to take it down a notch, just
under a dull roar; then the sweet nut… the beginning of the program could start…
 |
| Fast-Paced Car-Action |
The “car accident lawyer” show begins as usual again with
the titular DWI lawyer and Houston Criminal Attorney (Texas no less!) rushing
to the scene of the crime only to be blind-sided by another more important and
pressing conclusion of events that could only lead to an one hour episode every
week for 7 years. It’s like the characters lived in some sort of “Fairy Land”
where nothing ever changed and logic followed a very narrow and limited path.In the Universe that Austin DWI existed in, no one ever had to be accountable to the laws of nature, and things always turned out the same. I suppose it was comforting for some to watch this type of narrative, most likely the advertisers who bankrolled the thing, but frankly, just sitting there, with the heat turned up and the big dinner I just ate, it was starting to put me to sleep!
 |
| "Unbelievable Luck!" |
No one, and I mean Nobody, in my present company, glommed
onto the concept of how actually tedious this show was. Zero. But,
get this…They all seemed to embrace the lead character, in fact they all loved the lead character, a Houston criminal attorney. They tried to emulate his mannerisms, and boasted of his peccadilloes as thought they were their own. Austin DWI, who was sort of a cheap knock-off of Magnum PI but shittier, this car accident and personal injury lawyer. This cheap TV version of a shyster ambulance chaser was an Heroic Figure amongst these cons
and other animals I shared residencies with. Yet at the same time, every single one of these criminals, The Austin DWI fan club of cell-block K, swore their undying hatred and had nothing but contempt for lawyers of any stripe. It was a peculiar duality to witness, and I surmised that it possibly, in some degree, was an effect of the criminal experimentation meted out by The Doctor and his henchman; Wrongful Death Rowan.
 |
| Typical "Animal" |
Smiling Jack was not ignorant to these proceedings. I saw the back of his neck turn red and the muscles in his scalp tightened visibly. He was aware of his surroundings yet seemed to simultaneously be floating a million miles away. In his mind he was taking stock of his self. In his mind's eye he saw himself as a beneficent leader amongst the cons, always fair, proactive, who acted not only accordingly, but also preventative, through harm reduction, and by being a mentor, like he was with those involved in the big Accutane
class action lawsuits that slipped through his fingers and went right down the drain with the last shreds of his legal career. The shame of his failures seemed to compress themselves inward upon his entire stature, reflecting the frustrations and
failures of his life into one concentrated silent scream, stifled forever within some eternal jail-house experience.
 |
| The "Old School Ties" |
It didn’t matter because the jail-birds weren’t paying any attention to
him anyways. Also I was having a VERY hard time focusing on the car accident lawyer show because it was so BORING!
But don't take my word for it, here is only the beginning...
Here Comes Austin DWI
I’m standing near
the back of the crowd, in the TV area, behind a guy in a wheelchair, watching
the opening credit sequence of Austin DWI. There’s a montage of film clips of
our hero, the renowned Houston criminal lawyer and car accident attorney, illustrated
with cutaways to scenic views of the largest city in the lone star state, the
city bustle (including car accidents) and action scenes mixed with the light
romance of Austin DWI himself languishing on All-expense paid Disney Cruises,
romancing some random senorita, then cut away again to the more manlier business
at hand which is busting international terrorists at NASA mission control and
rappelling down fake elevator shafts whilst dodging all manner of exploding
pyrotechnical devices. It was so bullshit that it was truly hard to watch, what
with the Mike Post penned theme song pounding in the background and the blatant product placement
of both Disney Cruise Line packages and the Ultra Conservative City of Houston itself.
 |
| On With The Show |
Anyway, the Mike
Post theme to Austin DWI, which had most likely been the sole reason for the
show lasting as long as it did, was a huge radio hit, and was still used in
comedy shows to define a sort of dated joke about the 80’s. Seems nobody at the
network, nor in the audience at home, realized, after 7 (seven) seasons, that
the very title of the program suggested, the star, if not everyone involved in
the production, was drunk! I’m watching, not patiently, and the co-starring
actors are brought out into the opening montage. There’s Mike Connors as
Councillor Dade, whom I can’t believe was still alive even 30 years ago, and special
guest star Burt Mustin, whom I’ve never heard of before. Now the music fades
out to our hero/DWI attorney walking a dog (not sure if he even owns one in the show)
and over a beautifully manicured Houston park, into the sunset. The jailbirds all
let out a collective sigh at this heartwarming moment on screen and suddenly,
as one, snap right into attention as now the show shall begin in earnest.
 |
| The Death-Defying Mike Connors |
The Episodes of
Austin DWI all play out in a similar fashion. It is the structure of the
writing, and was as tired and old fashioned as the Star himself. They wanted a
dignified and rugged looking individual and had approached many of the minor
dinner theater up and comers, but due to a movement in the industry to scorn
television work for opportunities on the big screen, the best they could do was
Geoffrey Jennings, who was best known in later years for very successfully
covering up a previous prolific career in gay oriented adult films. This came
out years after Austin DWI was cancelled, but it was pretty obvious to anyone
with half a brain who watched it. You wouldn't need a doctorate, or university degree to figure it out. Dude had been playing a male nurse on General
Hospital right before playing the "dashing"criminal attorney for crying’ out
loud! EXCUSE ME!
 |
| Gay-dar Alert! |
Anyways, this sort
of thing was so far over the heads of the audience here tonight that you would
have to book a Royal Caribbean Cruise Line to get there, and a good thing too
because there was a short commercial break, where miraculously, the whole crowd
of them relaxed a bit and tore their attentions away from the screen for a
moment to discuss the intricacies of the dynamics of the world of Austin DWI; car
accident lawyer bar none, and internationally acclaimed Houston criminal
attorney. They shadow boxed each other and pantomimed violent retribution in
the spirit of horseplay and good clean fun.
 |
| A Little Horseplay |
Smiling Jack was
there too. He was seated dead center of the crowd, sitting in a strategic
position of control, but still trying to be jovial and one of the boys. You could
see he was sort of nervous though too. Like he didn’t know quite what these
animals could be capable at any moment. There was a commercial for a Beverly
Hills plastic surgeon on the TV that distracted him for a moment from his
duties, and I just caught the wistful look of pain and sorrow in his eye, and
remembered the rumor I had heard that as one of his last acts as an accredited
member of the bar and fellow amongst criminal lawyers, he had launched and lost
a massive Accutane class action lawsuit, and that the shame this had brought
upon him had proven far too much to bear and he had resigned all legal practices for good and sworn himself
to a life of service to the underprivileged. I really couldn’t figure out why
these guys hated him so much, Smiling Jack was a real Mensch.
At any rate the restless activity grew to a head at the
final commercial for some royal cruise with plenty of girls in skimpy bikini outfits
and the boys were all hooting and hollering “Yippee” and pretending to jack off
into the air at the direction of the televised jailbait flaunting it in thier bikinis, on their Disney Cruises, and right under the noses of Mom and Dad. Smiling Jack actually lost it here. He
wasn’t smiling anymore and when he got up with great force and his mighty voice
boomed out, every con in there knew he meant business and they all shut the
hell up and sat back down to watch the program. But really, they needn’t have
had any direction to do so because the story was just now beginning to start
and they automatically fell into the same catatonic trance as before, silently
watching with mouths hanging open and bodies inert.
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| Back To Your Precious Stories! |
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