And Now, Back To Our Program...

  So we survived another round of commercials and now the show was back on. They’re all back to normal, focused on the TV. I think I already said how boring I think this show is. The idea of this swash buckling DWI attorney was preposterous, to say the least, and the cheap production values, and unappealing characters made it a chore to watch. I wouldn’t have watched it if I was home, in fact, I would have rather spent this time not watching it here either, alone in my cell, so I could go over my thoughts undisturbed. I needed to focus, but not in cheap entertainments, in repeat re-runs no less, but I had no choice. I was expected to watch right along with all the others. Attendance for the screening of Austin DWI was mandatory, and the entire population of our block was there. They liked it.

Mandatory Attendance

    Well, you could make me watch, but you couldn’t make me like it. This car accident lawyer “who-dun-it” show was the worst piece of crap; I guffawed at its absurdity, even as the rest of the cons reeled and swooned with the very glances Our Hero Austin DWI threw about the scenery. Oh look, there’s Mrs. Howell from Gilligan’s Island. They’re really parading a cavalcade of stars tonight! Looks like she’s the old boy’s Wifey, as she’s being held below decks on an ocean liner by swarthy guys with black fedoras and trench coats on. The cabin is decorated with empty cardboard crates and a hanging “3^rd degree” light. Mrs. Howell is tied to a chair and you can see how fake the rope is as it falls around her as she struggles to “free” herself from her captors. One of them holds a pistol, and the other one lunges into his cue “You better tell us where the diamonds are, or else!”   

 

  He means business, and to show this, the writers include a close-up shot of him raising his fist so as to strike and then cutting away to just a blackened screen and the shriek of one Lovey Howell. (The inimitable Natalie Schafer)

The Inimitable Natalie Schafer

    The bumper for Austin DWI flashes on the screen with the distinctive 12-14 bars of the instantly recognisable theme song chime out to inform us of another commercial break. This show has a LOT of commercials in it. As thought the actual program in earnest wasn’t bad enough. Now it’s 3 ads on either side of “Station Identification” and then a Public Service Announcement before 2 30 second “tune in weekdays at 3 for “Joker’s Wild” and weeknights at 7 for Black Sheep Squadron, (does this station ever play new programs?) self-promotional slots before getting back to the show. The whole time the population sort of sulked and turned back and forth in their seats. They needed the Austin show to continue, they were mulish, sultry, but fairly silent in their discomfiture and impatience. The show came back and they eased off and breathed once more.

With your host, Jack Barry. Weekdays at Three.

     The faint wave of nostalgia, and the brief distraction it affords, gave me pause, and I almost, absent mindedly, began to follow the dramatic story arc of what was going on in the program I sat watching, despite my better efforts. Seems as though Gus the Fireman is so rich that he sends his wife, Mrs. Howell, out on world-wide shopping sprees where she buys all manner of priceless luxury items as well as large sums of foreign currency, precious metals and gems. She’s just on her way back after a globe-trotting binge and has a fortune of diamonds stashed away somewhere. Now these crooks are going to get it, and by any means necessary it seems. The guy with the gun tells the other guy to take a breather. “Go get on the blower wit’ de old man again an tell him to step on it wit’ that ransom money, already!”          

These guys ain't messin' around!

     As he fumbles with these simple lines, the actor seems slightly paralyzed, partially induced by the quality of the script no doubt.  He is frozen stiff at the shoulders and much too intensely guarding the tiny, little old woman in front of him, the gun welded in aim at his captive sitting perturbedly across the room from him. His flop sweat comes off well, being actual beads of real nervous perspiration as he jerks the gun sideways at his crony, off of the beat, and preforms a clumsy, and totally accidental, visual non-sequitor which is quickly cut away in an urgent edit. 

  Buddy’s on the phone, a pay-phone on the wall, next to a port-hole style window denoting their presence on a boat.  I thought to myself, “Do they even have pay-phones in storage lockers on ocean liners? Is that even a ‘thing’?” Then I also considered that maybe I would never find out. Maybe I would remain here in jail for the rest of my days and never get out. I might never be able to know! This thought crushed my spirit just that much more that I would have to languish in my ignorance, wasting away my entire life, watching some awful re-run of some second rate TV show, with its unrealistic portrayal of the realities of driving while impaired, if not the patently false glamorization of the roles and lifestyles of car accident attorneys and personal injury lawyers. The insignificance of it all, and my inescapable position at its center, my powerlessness in its shadow, this almost had me at the point I might break.

On The Verge of a Total Bug-Out

     But No! None of that mattered here on Cell-Block K. There was no question amongst the boys. Austin DWI was the BOMB! A kindred cheer went up every time he entered the scene, they laughed heartily at the indulgences of his penthouse bachelor apartment. They silently looked to each other and nodded in unspoken agreement at how Heff this Huston Criminal Attorney was, living the pimp lifestyle with the bar right in his sumptuous living room. Man, they thought Austin DWI was Bawse, and to be honest with you, I found it hard to reckon with. 

  What could draw them so dramatically to this show? I was puzzled, and thinking, I noticed, that when I looked over, in front and to the side, there was Smiling Jack, actively averting his eyes from the screen, and pulling the visor of his cap over the front of his face while peering around it to keep an eye on the criminals surrounding him, but effectively blocking out all sight of the TV itself and being very careful never to actually look directly at the screen.

Averted Eyes

Startling Revelations Behind Prime-Time Broadcast

  Now the show is happening and I’ve completely retreated into daydreaming as a result of its dissolute monotony. I keep dreaming of all the colleges and PhD programs I could be attending in efforts to gain my university doctorate that would make me a fully qualified criminal lawyer and I could spring myself from this joint once and for all. The plot of the insipid Austin DWI episode was thickening up into a somewhat congealed form; of course it began with an unrelated character, usually the guest star, and he would be involved in the sort of traffic accident that would lead to the immediate need of the services of a car accident attorney. Then, Lo and Behold, There’s Austin DWI, who just happens to be strolling by, enjoying ice cream cones with some fair lassie on his arm. In a flash he’s all business, and he’s right there on the scene, handing out his business card etc.

Austin DWI Making the Scene.

   Tonight’s episode had the guest star/client be a bit of a “comic-relief” with this little old man who played as a drunk with a goofy 2-step and a crumpled hat. Turns out he’s an eccentric millionaire and he won’t stop driving while impaired and is constantly getting into hilarious fender benders. But it’s different now, see; he has good reason for driving like a maniac all over the sidewalk and everything. Tonight he reveals, all in a dramatic close up of his face, saying urgently to the camera “My Wife has been Kidnapped!!!

Dramatic Turn of Events

    Just as the old geezer guest star said those five words I finally remembered where I had seen that actor before! “Holy Shit!” I blurt out, “That’s Gus The Fireman!”

  It was said absent minded, yet came out just a split second before what  the old croaker said, and obscured his lines all together. This interruption was perceived as being so rude that the entire audience of criminals all immediately started bashing me and throwing garbage at me, screeching promises to do me great personal injury later if I didn’t Shut The Fuck Up! And I thought I might be killed right there and then if the TV broadcast didn’t mercifully cut away just at that moment for commercial messages from our sponsors. A few of the harder cons continued  glaring at me angrily, but the generally murderous atmosphere gradually dissipated while on the TV  insurance ads prattled on about coverage in event of wrongful death.

A Minor Riot Ensued.

 Sitting penitent I realized that there was one Absolute Law in this cell-block. It was the Unbreakable as well as Unspoken Rule; No Talking During Austin DWI! Sitting a row over I noticed Fox looking back at me. I felt he had been watching me the whole time and that he could read my mind and see my thought processes. Stern at first, he nodded at me in a sort of approval, as though in a rite of passage I had taken my beating and grown from the experience .

CONFEDERATES; or CRIMINAL LAWYERS?

  Now that everybody had finally settled down, and the show was about to begin in earnest, the rabble decided to take it down a notch, just under a dull roar; then the sweet nut… the beginning of the program could start…

Fast-Paced Car-Action

   The “car accident lawyer” show begins as usual again with the titular DWI lawyer and Houston Criminal Attorney (Texas no less!) rushing to the scene of the crime only to be blind-sided by another more important and pressing conclusion of events that could only lead to an one hour episode every week for 7 years. It’s like the characters lived in some sort of “Fairy Land” where nothing ever changed and logic followed a very narrow and limited path.In the Universe that Austin DWI existed in, no one ever had to be accountable to the laws of nature, and things always turned out the same. I suppose it was comforting for some to watch this type of narrative, most likely the advertisers who bankrolled the thing, but frankly, just sitting there, with the heat turned up and the big dinner I just ate, it was starting to put me to sleep!

"Unbelievable Luck!"

   No one, and I mean Nobody, in my present company, glommed onto the concept of how actually tedious this show was. Zero. But, get this…They all seemed to embrace the lead character, in fact they all loved the lead character, a Houston criminal attorney. They tried to emulate his mannerisms, and boasted of his peccadilloes as thought they were their own. Austin DWI, who was sort of a cheap knock-off of Magnum PI but shittier, this car accident and personal injury lawyer. This cheap TV version of a shyster ambulance chaser was an Heroic Figure amongst these cons and other animals I shared residencies with. Yet at the same time, every single one of these criminals, The Austin DWI fan club of cell-block K, swore their undying hatred and had nothing but contempt for lawyers of any stripe. It was a peculiar duality to witness, and I surmised that it possibly, in some degree, was an effect of the criminal experimentation meted out by The Doctor and his henchman; Wrongful Death Rowan.

Typical "Animal"

   Smiling Jack was not ignorant to these proceedings. I saw the back of his neck turn red and the muscles in his scalp tightened visibly. He was aware of his surroundings yet seemed to simultaneously be floating a million miles away. In his mind he was taking stock of his self. In his mind's eye he saw himself as a beneficent leader amongst the cons, always fair, proactive, who acted not only accordingly, but also preventative, through harm reduction, and by being a mentor, like he was with those involved in the big Accutane class action lawsuits that slipped through his fingers and went right down the drain with the last shreds of his legal career. The shame of his failures seemed to compress themselves inward upon his entire stature, reflecting the frustrations and failures of his life into one concentrated silent scream, stifled forever within some eternal jail-house experience.

The "Old School Ties"

 It didn’t matter because the jail-birds weren’t paying any attention to him anyways. Also I was having a VERY hard time focusing on the car accident lawyer show because it was so BORING! 

But don't take my word for it, here is only the beginning...

Here Comes Austin DWI

  I’m standing near the back of the crowd, in the TV area, behind a guy in a wheelchair, watching the opening credit sequence of Austin DWI. There’s a montage of film clips of our hero, the renowned Houston criminal lawyer and car accident attorney, illustrated with cutaways to scenic views of the largest city in the lone star state, the city bustle (including car accidents) and action scenes mixed with the light romance of Austin DWI himself languishing on All-expense paid Disney Cruises, romancing some random senorita, then cut away again to the more manlier business at hand which is busting international terrorists at NASA mission control and rappelling down fake elevator shafts whilst dodging all manner of exploding pyrotechnical devices. It was so bullshit that it was truly hard to watch, what with the Mike Post penned theme song pounding in the background and the blatant product placement of both Disney Cruise Line packages and the Ultra Conservative City of Houston itself.

On With The Show

    Anyway, the Mike Post theme to Austin DWI, which had most likely been the sole reason for the show lasting as long as it did, was a huge radio hit, and was still used in comedy shows to define a sort of dated joke about the 80’s. Seems nobody at the network, nor in the audience at home, realized, after 7 (seven) seasons, that the very title of the program suggested, the star, if not everyone involved in the production, was drunk! I’m watching, not patiently, and the co-starring actors are brought out into the opening montage. There’s Mike Connors as Councillor Dade, whom I can’t believe was still alive even 30 years ago, and special guest star Burt Mustin, whom I’ve never heard of before. Now the music fades out to our hero/DWI attorney walking a dog (not sure if he even owns one in the show) and over a beautifully manicured Houston park, into the sunset. The jailbirds all let out a collective sigh at this heartwarming moment on screen and suddenly, as one, snap right into attention as now the show shall begin in earnest.

The Death-Defying Mike Connors

   The Episodes of Austin DWI all play out in a similar fashion. It is the structure of the writing, and was as tired and old fashioned as the Star himself. They wanted a dignified and rugged looking individual and had approached many of the minor dinner theater up and comers, but due to a movement in the industry to scorn television work for opportunities on the big screen, the best they could do was Geoffrey Jennings, who was best known in later years for very successfully covering up a previous prolific career in gay oriented adult films. This came out years after Austin DWI was cancelled, but it was pretty obvious to anyone with half a brain who watched it. You wouldn't need a doctorate, or university degree to figure it out. Dude had been playing a male nurse on General Hospital right before playing the "dashing"criminal attorney for crying’ out loud! EXCUSE ME!

Gay-dar Alert!

    Anyways, this sort of thing was so far over the heads of the audience here tonight that you would have to book a Royal Caribbean Cruise Line to get there, and a good thing too because there was a short commercial break, where miraculously, the whole crowd of them relaxed a bit and tore their attentions away from the screen for a moment to discuss the intricacies of the dynamics of the world of Austin DWI; car accident lawyer bar none, and internationally acclaimed Houston criminal attorney. They shadow boxed each other and pantomimed violent retribution in the spirit of horseplay and good clean fun. 

A Little Horseplay

    Smiling Jack was there too. He was seated dead center of the crowd, sitting in a strategic position of control, but still trying to be jovial and one of the boys. You could see he was sort of nervous though too. Like he didn’t know quite what these animals could be capable at any moment. There was a commercial for a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon on the TV that distracted him for a moment from his duties, and I just caught the wistful look of pain and sorrow in his eye, and remembered the rumor I had heard that as one of his last acts as an accredited member of the bar and fellow amongst criminal lawyers, he had launched and lost a massive Accutane class action lawsuit, and that the shame this had brought upon him had proven far too much to bear and he had resigned all legal practices for good and sworn himself to a life of service to the underprivileged. I really couldn’t figure out why these guys hated him so much, Smiling Jack was a real Mensch. 

At any rate the restless activity grew to a head at the final commercial for some royal cruise with plenty of girls in skimpy bikini outfits and the boys were all hooting and hollering “Yippee” and pretending to jack off into the air at the direction of the televised jailbait flaunting it in thier bikinis, on their Disney Cruises, and right under the noses of Mom and Dad. Smiling Jack actually lost it here. He wasn’t smiling anymore and when he got up with great force and his mighty voice boomed out, every con in there knew he meant business and they all shut the hell up and sat back down to watch the program. But really, they needn’t have had any direction to do so because the story was just now beginning to start and they automatically fell into the same catatonic trance as before, silently watching with mouths hanging open and bodies inert.

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