XMAS SHOPPING RUSH - DAY #13

Xmas Windows,

And all the Wondrous Things on Display

You're going to need all the money you've saved...

To buy that "Special Something" for that "Someone Special"

There's one last stop for the day

...to Treat Yourself!!! Xmas Shopping; It's Hungry Work!

XMAS: SECRETS & LIES - DAY #12

  At first I was expecting a shit-storm of adverse reactions from readers at Gog & Magog Blog. Torrents of objection to my systematic dismantling of the holiday season; but nobody seems to care. I was starting to think that maybe most people actually agree with me that Xmas is bunk (not to mention; for sissies) and my heart was warmed by these thoughts. It moved me to spearhead my big "Xmas Phase-Out" campaign where we move to celebrate the occasion bi-annually, at first, and then move it to 5 year intervals, before graduating to the third tier of my scheme, where it is removed all together. No one can talk me out of this excellent plan, and I think I can force enough people into believing in it too, if I just keep working those bus stops, dough-nut shops, and other generally public places. I feel like I can generate a lot of community support for this. I have confidence.

 Then, today, someone sent this e-card to my inbox.

   What is this even supposed to mean? Is it some sort of an insult? I don't understand, it is a protest message of some sort...
  Then the more as I look at it I start to get angry. Who do these fuckers think they're dealing with? I'm not sure either, but I'm gonna find out, I've got network monitoring software, and systems tracking devices; so, Mister Shitty-Santa, there AIN'T no SECRETS on the INTERNET, and I take these kind of veiled threats very, very seriously. I promise you, I'll track you down and make you pay dearly for sending this thing to my inbox. Don't think you won't pay! By Christmastime! You just watch your back because the next time you see me ... you WON'T see me.

XMAS CRIME WAVE - DAY #11

 Statistics show that criminal activity significantly increases at Xmas Season times. This is largely property crime, rising exponentially in relation to the spike in consumer activity, and the increase in cash/goods transactions. So don't call your Attorney just yet, unless you want him to rip you off too, because there has been no personal injury or physical abuse perpetrated here, there is no need for litigation just yet. It is all about valuables and cash. Money is flying around like a blizzard and valuable items are being proffered back and forth like fugazi C-notes at a 3 Card Monte game, so it goes without saying that there are certain sectors of our population who exploit this opportunity for gain. It's their Gift of the Season, actually more of a gift they see as being addressed to them, an Xmas Present from the Universe to Mr. Thief Using a crowbar to wrench open your hatchback outside the mall on Saturday afternoon, or a "special care package with love from your well stocked living room entered through smashed in back window from you unsuspecting homeowner who predictably is out at any amount of social engagements" Crooks are having a hey-day. It's ignorant, but poetic justice you might surmise... You see, with every orgy of consumerist gluttony, inevitably comes carrion to feast on the offal from this binge.
   There's a lot of goodies, brand-new and in-box, getting hauled by bandits, B&E's running rampant... Theft everywhere! You stupid Xmas-Likers simply have too much stuff! The Universe needs you to have less (except debt) and it sends its minions to correct this imbalance. You claim Xmas is to spread Joy and Goodwill, so why you mad? Every Villain, from your own child, who sneaks an extra christmas cookie, to the Most Exalted Don of the Illuminati Stock Fraud and International Money Market Manipulations Syndicate, is basking in  goodwill and reveling in joy because of YOUR gift to them. Now your face is red, isn't it, no wait, it looks more red on the one side, turn me the other cheek and I'll even it out for you.

SPLAT!

    As you can plainly see, Property Crime, Larceny, "Theft Over", Possession of Stolen Goods, and swiping stuff in general is  illegal activity that isn't so much arising around Xmas, but caused by Xmas itself, the sick flower of a diseased plant in corrupted soil, and the only way to get rid of this flash-mob riot of illegal activity is to eliminate the entire system. Kill Xmas and you Rehabilitate every Poor Helpless Criminal. Simple Gardener's Logic... Sage Wisdom, actually; if you want to kill a snake you must remove its head from it's body, which is kind of a trick, because you can tell a kid you don't like this, and he will believe you, and go and cut a rattlesnake's head off, then thinking it must be dead, he goes to pick up the head, but it still has enough nerve activity and venom to bite his hand and kill him dead. So There!

Kill the Head and the Body will Die (Sort of)

Animated GIF from HERE

Albinism & Xmas (A Santa Story) - DAY #10

  There was this guy in grade 9 who was not actually a complete albino, but mostly an albino...so he had shock white hair, thin, palest ever skin, weak eyes, not pink, but really, really light grey. Due to his pigmentation he also had a propensity to turn bright red at the drop of a hat.
  On top of this he was overweight, dressed poorly, bad grooming with the "neck-beard" also totally white but only growing from his neck and not on his face. What can you say, he was from a poor family, and a broken home, some people are just less fortunate. He wasn't the smart one either, in fact, he was dumber than a box of dogshit.
  So this kid's name was Armando Ambrozik and I would say he did a pretty good job of fitting in, we noticed he was different but we didn't bully him. We bullied other kids, but 'Mundo was off-limits. probably because he was the biggest kid in the class on account of his having flunked grades three, one, kindergarten(!), and grade four twice! Like I said, he wasn't the brightest light on the tree.
  Still, he managed to make it to grade 9, and we're in Biology class with Mr. Hubert. Mundo is sitting right up front, because he's legally blind, deaf in one ear, and since he's so stupid he has to try really really hard to learn anything and hopefully not flunk enough to graduate. Today's lesson is "The Alimentary Canal" and we are studying the human digestive systemZZzzzzzzzzzz ... Oops, sorry I had a bit of a flash-back and was right back in high school there. He's educating us about human anatomy by describing the route a piece of food takes through the human body.
  Mr. Hubert is droning on about the various organs and their functions, and how they process food, our digestive system etc etc etc. Most of the class ignores him, except 'Mundo, who hangs on every word, leaning forward in his desk and cupping his ear.
  Here's the kicker, when Mr. Hubert finally gets to the end where he discusses elimination, "Mundo, who is actually grasping the concepts discussed here, kind of starts to see where this is leading, and he is beginning to writhe in his seat, noticeably uncomfortable, confused, and worried in turns. He's looking at Mr. Hubert with a sort of a panic. Mr.Hubert is pointing at a diagram chart, and addressing his remarks mainly to "Mundo, seeing his agitation, playing to the excitement that inevitably leads to further learning in the engaged student. Also 'Mundo was the only student who ever paid any attention, so...
  Anyways, Mr Hubert is saying "  then, as the organism eliminates solid, semisolid or liquid waste material  from the digestive tract via the anus, waves of muscular contraction known as peristalsis in the walls of the colon move fecal matter through the digestive tract towards the rectum"
 Now "Mundo is about to burst, it's like "this can't be..." he's looking around to see if anybody else is picking up on what Mr. Hubert is about to totally say out loud in front of the entire class, we're actually all paying attention to 'Mundo now, though, because he's acting like a frightened animal, a confused dog or something.
 "Mundo is almost raising his hand and hesitating, shaking, saying "but, but..." as Mr Hubert continues..." ...and class, this is what we refer to as a ..."
  'Mundo lets out a gasp.
  "...Bowel Movement." he mouths the words and slowly turns to look, as we all are at Armando, who has gone back to some feral place. Its like the apes in "2001 Space Odyssey" something evolved within him. The gravity of this lesson had him momentarily in awe, he's speaking out... "you mean you don't call it taking a...but...I never knew you could..." and it has dawned on him, there is a polite, technical name for a function he never thought could have one.
  Then his demeanor changed. He began to giggle. He's beet red and his titter turns to stifled guffaws and then as the contagiousness of his mirth spreads through the class we're all laughing We are laughing at 'Mundo laughing at the idea that shit has a proper name and how stupid he is and how funny he looks, and he's busting right out now shouting gails of laughter, doubling over, tears streaming down his fat red face, it's overkill, he's rolling out this "Ho Ho Ho" belly laugh, and as he is Marty Reddik jumps up and squeals over the noise, pointing, "HE'S SANTA! LOOK! HE'S SANTA!" and 'Mundo totally DID look like Santa! With the beard and the fatness and now the Ho Ho Ho-ing! The whole class can't believe it, why hadn't we put this together already? Armando Ambrozik IS Santa Clause! Even Mr. Hubert is kind of amused, you gotta expect the kids to giggle a little in certain classes when these type of subjects come up, but "Mundo certainly did bear an uncanny resemblance to jolly old Saint Nick, and it was pretty funny. From that day on, we christened him "Santa" and we never, ever used his real, given, legal name again.
  I don't know what became of Santa, but that's my favorite Xmas story, and it always makes my season bright.

"Who's Disappoint now, Son???"

AN OLDE FASHIONED FAMILY XMAS - DAY #9

 Many people will argue that the only one truly redeeming quality of Xmas is that it is for bringing families together. Even people who reject out-right, the Christianity and Commercialism parts, and are generally un-sentimental towards the Hype of The Season, seem to appreciate Xmas as the accepted time of year to gather round the hearth with closest Kith and Kin. I haven't met their families, but I'd lay even odds that they are nothing like the crew of freaks and losers that I am related to. I fuckin' hate them, and try to avoid them at all costs. Fortunately, most of them think they are too good to hang around the likes of me (or are serving federal time) so I really don't need to have anything to do with them. Ever. Except, of course, on Xmas.
 This is the time of year where my brother David, the hot-shot attorney who made a fortune buying and selling timeshares in Florida, and who's always going on about how smart he is because he trades Forex online, or bragging about jetting around the world and how much the factory that made his wristwatch cost to build, this is his time of year when he find's it in the goodness of his heart to pick up the phone and order me to go "Be part of the family, for a change!" It is time again for his once-annual "You BETTER go and see Mom, and try to act nice this time!" guilt-trip. It is basically a demand, threatening and insisting  I go all the way out of my area, up to the suburbs and visit with my elderly Mother and whomever other losers fell out of the family-tree and have similarly been told it is their OBLIGATION and DUTY to do the same. 
  Take last year, for example....
 When I arrive to the Homecoming, it's my 89 yr. old blind and deaf mother sitting alone at the kitchen table, she's facing the wall and rocking back and forth. "Anybody home?" I sing sweetly to her total oblivion. Well just look who else is here! It's my stupid-asshole cousin Ronald, alone as well, but in the other room watching his Precious Sports Team lose, again, on TV. The volume is cranked; full blast, and he's also oblivious of me, stuffing his face with handfuls of crackers. He doesn't notice me at first, he's so engrossed, but when I surprise him he quickly blames the loud volume on my poor aged ma's poor hearing, and he tells me to turn it down, as he runs to grab the last beer, thinking quick, in case I might think of getting to it first.
 That's OK, with his fat ass parked in front of the TV, he's easy enough to ignore, so I go to chat with mom and catch up. Looks like she's kinda deteriorated since I last saw her, and she barely acknowledges my presence, let alone moves. There's a smell of soiled garments and bed sores. I go "Hi Mom! Merry Xmas, and all That!" and she vaguely looks up, confused and afraid, shaking she asks "Why are we in Hawaii?"
 Despite her far gone condition, she's actually kept it together enough to make a "dinner" for us. There are week-old tuna fish cracker things, and a turkey, which appears to have been cooked on very low heat for approximately as long. I figure the old girl could use a hand so I open a can of "Carriage Trade" brand instant gravy (Don't add water, simply heat and serve!) Now soup's on!
 After I maneuver "The Cadaver Formerly Known as Mom" and that fat oaf Ronald into the dining room, Ma seems to come alive for a moment, and asks Ronald to say the blessing, gently touching his hand and looking at him lovingly. She tells him, "I always liked you best Raymond, better than my own kids..." whence she shoots me the icy-est look of disappointment turned torpor imaginable. Surprisingly, Ronald actually rises to the occasion here, for once...
 "Dear Lord," he begins, all full of fake piety, not to mention actual shit, raising his palms beneficently "Bless this House, and this Good Woman; Salt of the Earth that she is...and Bless her son David, who is unable to attend tonight because he is so terribly wrapped up in the Exciting and Glamorous world of High Finance and Commodities Brokerage, and please keep him from Harm, and Help him to navigate these times of Unstable Foreign Exchange Money Markets and Uncertain Online Investing. Bless his soul, Lord, as we know You truly help those who Truly deserve your help."
 With that he looks up at me with eyes that would say;"...and May the Devil Shit on your Grave" , there's silence.
 "You're supposed to say Amen!" he tells me, angrily, and waits for my compliance. My Mother continues to gaze at him fondly, probably thinking he's "Butcher" Earl Haig, or something, and I just sit there. I'm having none of it.
 "Well?" he goes.
 "Fuck you, Ronald, you fat fuck" I reply, calmly, staring back at his marshmallow lookin' fat, fucking stupid looking fat-face. Instantly my ancient Mother comes to life, walloping me with all the fury of an 18 yr old welterweight straight outta Supermax. She's hitting me with a giant turkey leg and punching me and kicking me; it's great to see her like the "Old Mum" I used to know, but its getting late, and shes trying to stab me with the carving fork, so it's "good night to all, and to all a good night" and I'm out the door, another Xmas dinner done for another year, and even though I hadn't eaten, I had not a care in the world because, McDonald's is open 365 days a year, and there's one where I have to catch the bus back downtown.  I'm lovin' it!

Holiday Feast

INJURIOUS XMAS ACCIDENTS - DAY #8

It is no secret that the Xmas season brings increased travel as well as household activity. The roads and airports are packed with last-minute travelers scrambling to make it home for the holidays, and everyone at home is rushing to complete about a million different tasks needed to make the season bright etc. So it is inevitable that accidents happen. Its dark, and the weather is shitty, so you risk life and limb every time you venture forth, and if you decide to hedge your bets and stay in...well there are no end of household hazards to contend with. If you aren't being permanently disabled in a car wreck or railway disaster, then you are being burned alive thanks to faulty Xmas tree wiring, or rushing to the emergency room at the hospital because you accidentally gouged your eye out trying to make a pop-corn string, or you are poisoned from mistakenly eating the deadly toxic holly berry or worse mistletoe (causes permanent nerve damage resulting in death) Long story short - Xmas is deadlier than cancer. If you wish to avoid grievous bodily harm and serious personal injury I suggest you stay in bed until at least January 2nd. If not, make sure you have an iron-clad insurance policy covering household liability and death, as well as a reputable personal injury lawyer to save you from all the lawsuits that will come your way from those near and dear to you who aren't so near and dear now that they have 3rd degree burns over 45% of their bodies, loss of limbs, and permanent crippling brain damage. It is the season of giving, so remember to give generously to a) your personal liability insurance broker, and b) a good lawyer who specializes in personal injury litigation. Remember, Xmas can be the most unforgiving, injurious and deadly time of year, proceed with caution!

All I Want for Christmas is...MY LEGS!!!!

XMAS DAY #7 - XMAS IN JAPAN -

I actually like Japanese Xmas, mainly because they don`t really `get`it and treat it as a sort of  racist joke on Westerners, which lines right up with my philosophy on the whole matter, completely. The big tradition over there is; to go get Kentuky Fried Chicken.(?)

I know what I`m having on December 25th

 also they buy special ``Chrisamisu kekkie`` which is katakana for ``christmas cake``

The joke here is that, like western xmas cake, no body really wants to eat it, and a day or two after xmas you see these stale cakes for sale at a drastically reduced prices. This has led to the unfortunate practice of nick-naming unmarried, over 30, Japanese women ``crisamisu kekkie`` like some stale, gross confection that nobody wants. Nice guys!

Mostly, it seems they primarily respond to Santa, I mean, who doesn`t, but I`m still not really sure they understand the finer details of this concept in the same way as us Westerners. I could be wrong - watch this video clip and see what you think.

 I guess its pretty much the same thing.

XMAS DAY #6 - TERRORIST ACTIVITY -

READ THIS, No; wait... nevermind.

XMAS VIDEO DAY #5

I hope when they get rid of Xmas that they replace it with this...

  I still insist that Christmastime is a totally racist scam.

XMAS & LONLINESS - DAY #4

words fail me...

XXXMAS in AMERIKKKA - DAY #3

  I can't help but agree with what Sammy is singing about here. This performance wholly sums up my own deepest feelings about the Racist Tradition Known as Christmas. Please observe...

 And it's not even a Christmas song!!!! If you want Christmas song, I can back up my theory that Xmas is endemically racist with this popular carol, sung by a fellow who Sammy Davis Jr. undoubtedly shared a stage or two with, but I'm sure didn't ever share a water-fountain with.

 Thanks for making me look good, Hollow Man. Mazeltov!

Xmas... I Hardly Knew Ye, Boy-O - DAY #2

Christmas & suicide...the two seem to go together like shit & stink...that's why I'm redirecting you at this moment to something more indelible than either shite...nor shtinkie-ness...yes i speak of .... music uploads (not mine exactly, but working non-the-less)
OK ya's here is number one
LAWRENCE WELK CHISMAS

I don't actually care about anything anymore...

kinda slight, I know, but; Hear me out....
This is the link to #2---"phrase deleted by censor"

there is no justice...in, or out of court...

  You had better appreciate that! so is next is...
 well you know what? every link I looked for was shut in my face so there's actually NO Xmas musak for this link then, is there? Go turn on the radio. And stop your lookin' at me like that!
OK OK song #3 it is then...
I think this one's OK....HERE seriously...I covet this kinda shtuff..

"In Memorium"

  OK...now that you have all downloaded all 3 of these axe lint rekkerds- go and play them! play them now!
so...if like millions of those afflicted w/ the judeo-xtian device of Christmas oppression you actually are thinking of /self...DONT...not yet...too early...wait for Xmas eve or new years (second best) when everyone's too wasted to stop you and you can decorate the tree, so to speak...
  Until then, just "go ahead" and play these download-able Xmas musics, totally at FULL BLAST and over&over until everyone's ears bleed, then..by the time you reach the courage to /yourself...everyone will be relieved and you can actually make a group of people happy one time in yr short & miserable life.

PRO TIP; use hanging to /self. creates way more dramatic effect and could very well traumatize your roommate(s) so badly that you live on for eternity in their horror and emotional pain.(also, pics or didn't happen)
PS-here's a pic...

You Drove Me To It!

XMAS... how do I HATE thee? Let Me Count The Ways... - DAY #1

  As you can guess from the title, I am not a huge fan of the Christian Festival of Naked Consumerism known as Xmas. I don't like anything about it. In fact, there is so much I disapprove about this out-dated ruse that I am going to post every day this month, describing each and every aspect of my argument against this pseudo-religious pose, and hopefully by New Year's I will have proved my point beyond all doubt why rational humans should not only cancel it, once and for all, but also erase it from history, so that future generations may be spared the tyranny of this orgy of false beliefs and unnecessary expenditures.
  You are Probably thinking to yourself, "That's great Scrooge...you'll get yours" but you would be mistaken to think it is with a black heart and empty soul that I condemn this seasonal waste of resources. I do actually "make merry", I buy people shit from the store, and I decorate the house. I force my kids to do charity work, and I generally tolerate all the phony salutations, parties, unwanted re-gifts of more shit I don't need or want etc etc etc... I simply am not a Christian, and therefore resent being bullied into adhering to traditions dictated by that oppressive antiquated collection of  theocratic presumptions. Also, I am an Anarchist, and an Humanist, and I despise how Christianity has manipulated the expectations of children, and in turn put all adults such as myself into a headlock, forcing us to adhere to its dictates, lest we be accused of robbing the dreams and the joy from the very hearts and minds of the Innocent.
  That said, I will go about my business this entire month of December, going through the motions, buying and preparing, and partying, but all the while keeping a keen eye open, upon the hypocrisy and lies, the false and shallow sentiments, taking notes, and reporting back to you, my gentle readers, with each and every reason for doing away with this Awful, Inconvenient and Embarrassing Compromise of Real Actual Ethics: those, that otherwise would declare..."Fuck this shit, not in my house you don't!!!"
  No kid, I promise you, by month's end, after seeing the evidence I will gather and present, I will have cured you of any trace of Christmas Spirit that may reside in you as result of the ruthless indoctrination process that Western Society has, sadly, already burned deep into your psyche. Happy Holidays Anways, Asshole!

...and the reindeer you rode in on!

HALLOWEEN : FORENSIC REPORT (part 4 - Monday 31th October, All Hallow’s Eve)

  As I left you in my last Halloween posting, I was skulking around in the shadows, washed in shame and guilt, not to mention the horror I felt as witness to my own monstrous acts, but, despite this, the great day had finally arrived. To be honest, it had not been easy for me this year, and I felt that maybe I was “partied-out” but I certainly had not weathered the nightmarish storms of the last few days just to forego the piece de la resistance. Today is Halloween itself, the entire reason for the holiday and all celebrations surrounding it, so I couldn’t miss out, no matter how I felt. Besides, I had decided my best strategy to evade the authorities was simply to keep moving. So off to yet another round of debauched adventures is what it had to be.

  Finding a party was certainly no mean feat. Everywhere in town was swinging tonight, and I had my choice of dozens of prospects, but hearing that there were three (3) differently hosted events up at the local University, I wisely chose to visit those hallowed halls of higher learning and absorb some of the post-adolescent abandon that was sure to transpire on campus tonight.

  Arriving at around 8PM I first made my way to the Department of Medicine, where the Clinical Psychology Doctorates were throwing a "do". I was actually quite excited to hunker-down with all the future M.D.s, knowing full well the legendary amount Medical Students were purported to drink and drug. This party was in full swing when I arrived; totally off-the-hook with gallons of medicinal grade ethyl-alcohol and large bowls of misappropriated pharmaceuticals laid out like hors d’oeuvres. The future brain surgeons and psychiatrists were all crowded around this ad-hoc pharmacy, greedily scooping up large handfuls of un-identified pills and swallowing them down with laboratory distilled 110% proof home-brew. It was sick. The future of health care splayed out before me in a drooling, vomiting pile, writhing in a stupefied orgy of excess and chemical abuse. Most of them couldn’t even stand, or speak even, wasted beyond control and it was not even dark yet. The scene resembled some sort of perverse mental ward, only the staff were the patients, and no one was in charge, or coherent even. This was too much, even for me, so I decided to leave these festivities early, but not before stuffing my pockets with the assortment of opioids and psychotropic meds that they had on offer first.

The Future of Mental Health Care

 Next I made my way over to the computer sciences building where I had learned that the IT boys were hosting their own little shindig. Now I don’t usually waste my time hanging around with computer nerds, they act like if you don’t know what cloud computing is or how network monitoring software works, that you are beneath them and not worth talking to. They are essentially nerds who have figured out they have one thing they can hold over you, and then take to their new found snobbery with the ferocity of a starving wolverine. And they still don’t know how to party. Their party was a dud. There were 45 guys and one girl, and she was fat, ugly, and  steampunk…so…

I asked this guy how he felt about his future in computer engineering and he said; "Feels Batman"

  I was starting to think I was officially "over" Halloween for good now. All year I wait for this day, and every year it seems to be a railroad straight into disaster. This evening was proving to be emblematic of that analogy. Like Goldilocks, I had found the one “too much” and the other “too little” Would my third option be “just right”?

  This “third option” was, in fact,  a party in the Philosophy department. There are a lot of things you can study at university, and most students are there as part of a life-long path towards some sort of definable career, with the possibility, even promise, of gainful employment after graduation, but philosophy simply isn’t one of those things. Last time I perused the “help wanted” section of the newspaper I don’t recall seeing any jobs offered for the position of “philosopher” so it is with this knowledge that I surmised, quite correctly it would turn out, that these dudes would be the most nihilistic, bent, and determined, suicidal partiers ever. I entered a scene that could have been out of ancient Rome. All were dressed in togas, or naked, and danced serpentine movements as people read avant-garde poetry and played on ancient stringed harps. Small fires burned all around and what looked like a human sacrifice was taking place at the far end of the packed room. This party was GREAT. Honestly, I’m seriously considering enrolling into one of the colleges in this university next semester. Post-secondary education is the BEST and I partied with my future alumni until the early morn.

His Philosophy is deceivingly simple...

  Well, it took me the entire lost, long weekend to live it, and an entire month to get it written, but I finally made it through. The trials, and tribulations, the anguish and physical injury, aside, I remain with the knowledge of the one fact that I had survived. I lived through another year’s Halloween and emerged out the other side, a survivor, bloodied, yes, but unbowed and if nothing else having gained in the obstinacy and resolve necessary to carry on and face the greater evil that lay ahead of me now. A much more obsequious demon, and one I fear greater than any child’s game at pretend devilry, the ugliest, most threatening, darkest  time of the year…yes…Christmas.  Yet again that time of year is drawing nigh, and by the looks of it, from where I stand here, we’re definitely going to be in for some nasty, nasty shit.

Post-Speculative Futurism

HALLOWEEN : FORENSIC REPORT (part 3 - Sunday 30th October) - Special "Devil's Night" Edition

 As noted in the previous post, I have been a little worried about my health, but I've managed to smooth that whole mess out. Seems that liver and kidney function governs the emotional areas associated with guilt and fear, this, as illustrated in the ideas of lower chacra and "intestinal fortitude", all meaning, that my body was simply detoxing and I had been "going to water" over nothing after all! As soon as I realized this, I told my shyster lawyer that I wouldn't be requiring his services after all, any more, and he was free to slither off back to laying in wait over at Central Hospital, haunting the shadows of the entrance to the Emergency Dept. I will, however, say whatever I want to say on the Internet, and name names too, because I don't afraid of anybody! I just switch a few letters around in their names so everyone still knows who I'm talking about but they still can't do shit. You can tell I'm feeling better, can't you?
   So. It is prescient that I mention my grip in "the fear" because that is precisely how I was feeling whence resuming consciousness that fateful Sunday morning. October 30th, Hell Night, Devil's Night, the night immediately preceding All Hallows Eve. Penultimate to the day itself, Devil's Night is actually the shadow of evil, darker and more dangerous: all consuming in it's obsequiousness. The common observer, being so mystified by the threatening, occultish aura of the upcoming Halloween night itself, leaves himself open to all manner and name of nefarious activities as the demons begin to descend and surround in their arrival for the Great Day Itself. "All Hail Satan!" they yell through banshee howls, their screeching, siren-calls echoing waves of fear to the dumbfounded, un-assuming, and ultimately doomed race of mankind. Your pithy religions will not save you now! Devil's Night is the master plan of all master plans...brilliant in it's pure ingeniousness...who would suspect, that on this homely, placid, "day before the storm" so to speak, that all manner of diabolical activities are scheduled to take place? Even the Cops are caught unawares. "who would be up to mischief tonight?" they might say, suspecting nothing tonight, and simply taking stock of their arsenal for the evening of Oct 31st itself. All the while the Devils are out! This is their night, of course, and they are exploiting their unspoken license  to run a free-reign of terror on this unsuspecting populous.

Satan's Minions

 I, of course, am no different. This is my favorite night of the year! Better than New Year's Eve, better than My Birthday, even better than Halloween itself! This is my Day-Pass from the dungeon of daily life, and I have Carte Blanche to go and vandalize the shit out of my asshole neighbor's house. I fuckin hate my neighbor. Just the one guy. Everyone else on my street rocks, we're all tickity-boo, I get along great with everybody...except this one guy. He's a real fuckin goof! He's always out washing his car with the classic rock radio playing too loud, and he hangs out with his loser friends on the sidewalk and spits and stares at people with his stupid stare, I hate him. Anyways...Hell Night is tonight and I'm totally prepared to do what I have to do. I've been planning it all year...I've got all the supplies, and a full itinerary, I've even drawn a map, with every move of  the operation noted and timed-out to the second. But first, it is still the "morning after the night before", and I need me a little drink-ie-poo. Some "hair of the dog that bit me", strictly for medicinal purposes, mind you...and a little "Dutch Courage" to boot, because I am bristling with the excitement of seeing my long-laid plans come to fruition.
  By noon I'm already fucked. I drank all the remaining Jagermieser (for my stomach) and 12 cans of Lucky, then moved on to half a bottle of vermouth that someone had left at my house, then some Ralph Loren Polo that my Aunt Gave me last Xmas. Then I found my wife's wallet, so it's off to the liquor store, then home to work on my disguise.

The Right Tools for The Right Job!

  Tonight is not about wearing a costume, tonight is about not getting caught, so its a no-brainer, and I've already got it assembled. Basic black-on-black will do it. Like a Ninja, I want to blend in and remain invisible.
  I can't wait until it gets dark, and normally, the amount I have drank should have me in a coma by now, but my nervous anticipation is giving me the ability to stay conscious, even in my advanced drunken state. Everything is in place, and it is unfolding in a way that can not and will not fail. Finally, when mercifully darkness descends I begin, and set the wheels of my master plan  into motion.
  The "Goof" lives 2 doors down from me. I gather my "tool kit" and sling it over my shoulder, then I slip silently into the night. I'm there in an instant, riding the bitter wind, and, like clockwork I set to the preplanned tasks at hand. First I take a dead rat I killed last week specifically for this purpose, a big one, rotting, and I stuff it into his mail slot. thenI piss on it. Then I smear dog shit on his door knob and the handrail running up to his door. that's the front door taken care of, now I slip furtively around to the back door and pour a litre of epoxy glue all over the lock and handle. then i put motor oil all up and down the steep, rickety back steps. Then I scatter large shards of broken glass all around the bottom area.
  Next its around front the house to his beloved automobile, which i fill the tank with 2kg sugar, then pour transmission fluid all over the paint-job, slash all four tires, smash headlights, and lastly stuff gas soaked rag into gas tank (for later...you'll see)
  Now I'm at to the third phase of my assault, which is to go and light fire to his trash. This is close to the side of the house so when I'm putting gasoline on the bins, I also liberally spray some on his walls, as well as inside a basement window I have just kicked in, specifically for this purpose. I brought lots of gas so I do the front porch too. It burns good, and as I pause to admire my infernal work as it starts to blaze, I am disappointed to see zero reaction from inside the house. Not even so much as a light goes on! I want him to run out in his underwear, freaking out and getting covered in glue, grease, shit, piss, dead rat and broken glass, but nothing. Maybe no one's home, and I've gone to all this effort for nothing! I grab one of the flaming trash cans in frustration and hurl it through his front window, screaming and ranting, calling the motherfucker out. "COME OUT AND FIGHT ME YOU FUCKING COWARD" I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. I catch myself, and realize I better beat a patch outta there before the authorities arrive, and high-tail it back home to my house, drawing all the curtains and sitting silently in the dark, as the gravity of my actions makes itself ever more appallingly clear to my growing fear in light of the seriousness of my just committed crimes.
  I sat up all night, listening to sirens and police radios and fire engines just outside my window, frozen with fear, afraid to even breath, but by morning, the worst had passed, and I had used my night to redouble my courage and try to go out and act like I knew nothing of what had conspired. I could hear from the people gathered outside to watch that nobody had seen anything, so I was going to go along with that...play innocent. Besides, I wanted to gloat over the fruits of my malicious labour.
  Unfortunately, I was so drunk when I had gone out, that I had accidentally chosen the house next door, and not the fuckin goof's house at all, I even got the wrong car. The house I raided belongs to a little old lady in a wheelchair, and she's apparently in ICU right now. Everyone is astounded that this could happen to the nicest, most-harmless, sweet, little old lady, who's 98year-old-heart just might not recover from all this terrible ordeal, and the 3rd degree burns and broken hip...Oops!

Whoopsie-daisy, My Bad!

 Post; Script:  I dunno who's car it was, don't care. They shouldn't park it on the street anyways.

A Pause In The Proceedings

I've got to take a brief hiatus from my reporting of the events of last weekend, until I hear back from my Attorney regarding just exactly what I can and, would be advised NOT to, say in the up coming, explosive, and salacious parts 3 and 4. Let me tell you, it is some precarious ground I will be covering, and some even more precarious advice I might be ill-advided to follow, considering my lawyer is primarily a mesothelioma lawyer...

Anyway, after I coughed up this thing on wednesday, I might have a few things to discuss with him more suited to his specialty. Or maybe I should see a doctor instead? IDK?Here's a pic of the hairball I choked up, tell me what you think?

Early signs of mesothelioma?

  I should have known better than to go to that rave in the old asbestos storage facility : (
Anyways, I'll tell you (most of) all about it later this week, right now I have to do my chelation therepy.

HALLOWEEN : FORENSIC REPORT (part 2 - Saturday 29th October)

This is part two btw...did I mention that yet? It is actually OK b/cuz I will probably say it about 200 more times, so don't worry...What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah...Haloween...emm...That was like....Last Week.
I kinda remember waking up still drunk &; also still conveniently "fully-dressed" in my costume so i located one of the many full beers i had opened and taken one sip only from last night and got right back to the job at hand, as you; my avid followers know full-well...is Blogging!

hair of the (halal) dog goat

So you can see how desperate I am to party in that pic, no doubt! Me too! I felt like Death warmed over. OMG...just thinking about that horrid day makes me want to go to City Hall and Kill Everybody...jk.

but seriously...The "Osama bin Laden" thing just aint cuttin' it any more...now I need to wear some "DIFFERENT" kind of costume. & honestly, between you & me, if I was truly together...I would have several costumes already lined up so I could rotate them and then, potentially, be "trick or treating" 24 hrs daily for over 4 days of daylight savings, or whatever you call it?
anyway...I digress....

Long story short- i got a new costume.

"new costume"

I waited until the first kid came up to the house for "trick r treats" and when he knocked on my door...I clobbered him and took his mask. he started to complain..but my constant pummeling and verbal threats seemed to do their usual magic work and he got out PDQ. Godess bless the little fucker anyways because he got me the freakin' BEST Halloween mask ever. I simply got one of my gf's bolts of black fabric and draped myself into today's equivalent of "Death" (gun is mine{also loaded})

This is Saturday night, don't forget...We Are Here To Party!...so me & the gf "high-five" and decide to paint the town. Then we were delayed when we got in a fight just before we left the house because she insisted "paint the town red" and I said the much superior, in my opinion..."paint the town BLACK"

so I says "fuck it!" I'm stayin' home! fuck you! & go party your brains out....hahah

then she does it!!! holy shit , I'm thinking....I better go follow her...

first we get to a party outside of this place...

I've done worse, haven't you?

So, I'm thinking...I'm OK with this. I like to par-tay and I like to think I have an open mind...maybe I should just let myself "go with it" like the kids like to say?

First up...I totally didn't expect a "wife-swapping party" Especially since I apparently was the only guy who brought his wife...but that's ok...these guys seemed pretteh leghit teh meh...so I just "hung" and got with the "vibes" Good thing too b/cause all of the sudden, these guys (pictured below)  showed up and just as suddenly proceeded to hoist, carry, and partake my sweet innocent(?) gf away from me and go through a somewhat secure looking doorway into a room that was also quite summarily slammed shut in the face of my apparent curiosities as to the wild celebrations & goings on within!

putting a lot of time and effort results in a very convincing costume, especially if you can organize your friends into a thematic group

So it looks like it's the bottom of the first and it's ME : 0 - GF : 1 . or maybe Me : 0 -  GF : 16, actually...Now I'm panicking. My gf's a witch...she's wickid...if I don't make a psychical mirror of her Aktionisms I could very well find mine own end...or the universe's or both! so I obey...
My duty is to also get fucked...laid...have extra-marital sex in a phoney-looking disguise for just this weekend and just this weekend only, once yearly & only in the name of love, romance, and keeping our relationship alive... I don't even understand...but I worship my little black magic witch and let her call the shots.

This translates as... that, I have to now, put out actual effort, and actually go out and procure for myself... pussy. girls. bitches. ho's. It's all around me. It's actually one of the easiest things I've ever imagined I could do. It's almost romantic. Not romantic but necessary. Necessary b/cause me and the gf are competing. and not un-important, but totally important b/cause I'm losing (sha-grin!) So I drop my pride and glance 3/half inches upwards to spy the loveliest most comely lass...just shy of making me "break trust" and fall in love...words cant describe her loveliness...here is her picture...(*gasp)

don't tempt me, my darling

so now I'm hooked. I've gotten the Halloween spirit, the Mojo, dat as...I am all-in...I can totally work with this and my new-found lady-friend, who introduced herself as "Ralph" (such a pretty & unique name for such a pretty and unique young lady) and I summarily "decide" for "us" that "we" should both make me carry "us" both "out-back" or something, at least I was angling to get both of us outside to somewhere more conducive to romance and less conducive to criminal prosecution...then, just when I thought I couldn't fake being less conspicuous...COCK-BLOCK-her "gal-pal" no-rent room-mate shows up and steals my lovely away from our behind-the-dumpster-Arcadia...so harsh this world...my sweet...so fleeting it's pleasures....

brief encounter

Anyway, yes, Night #2 of Halloween 2011 is definitely in competition for second place amongst Friday's proceedings and the ones you just read here...but it's all good...it's not meant to be a competition...I'm just hoping my gf is ok...and if she is gonna come home anytime soon...or call me?...please...if you are reading this...honey...please call...

HALLOWEEN : FORENSIC REPORT (part 1 - Friday 28th October)

Well, I knew I would over-do it this year, as far as the festivities surrounding Halloween go, but I am still shocked and amazed as to just how out-of-control things got for me. Four straight days and nights of alcohol abuse and partying, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I did, where I was, and what did I spend all my money on? I lied in bed all day yesterday, suffering nausea and cold sweats... trying to put the shattered pieces of my mind back together, gripped with fear and shame, yet still not fully cognizant of the entirety of my self-destructive roller-coaster ride that was Halloween 2011.

I'm going to have to go over the wreckage several times, as fragments of horrifying stupidity and gut-wrenching embarrassment gradually solidify into my recovering mind. So I'll break my tale up into a few separate parts and hopefully, by week's end, I will have the story at least chronologically straight. I mean, it started out innocently enough. Fairly simple task- get a costume, go to parties...we shall see about that....

My first problem of the weekend past was just that...What exactly was I going to dress as? Seems like every year I feel totally obliged to wear some silly outfit-it is expected, right? Not that I'm so into "dress-up" but I do understand the basic logic that says, "If you don't wear a costume, you wont have as much fun!" even though I put off getting an outfit until the very last moment.

Its times like these that I can't make my imagination function-I had no clue as to what I would be, nothing...I kept walking to my closet and looking at my clothes. I never realized that I wear the exact same thing every day, and my regular clothes are probably the drabbest, plainest things I could get-black jeans-white t-shirts, plain grey shirts and sweaters, and an ordinary looking golf-jacket, kind of urban camouflage-you'd never notice me in a crowd...

So what am I to do? I'm too cheap to go buy something to wear, and there's no way I could build something...but wait...I have one thing...I own this weird Chinese vest...kind of a Nehru jacket with no sleeves, and I have an old-fashioned night-shirt the kind that goes down to my knees. So that's what its going to be-I shall be a racist stereotype!!!

 Alrighty then, I'm feeling a tiny bit of successful here, because, if you can't be scary, you can at least be offensive! My sense of triumph did not last however, as when we finally left the house to make our social rounds, I encountered a totally different problem altogether. I'll explain this step-by-step and you will be able to see what I mean....

Here's the first event we attended....

L to R; Wanker, Asshole, Ho, Loser, and Fuckin' Goof

You will notice that NOBODY is wearing a costume. Unless they are all dressed as alcoholic losers, but I doubt this crowd could be that clever. Worse than the no costume thing is they kept calling me Osama and treating me as if I were actually a Muslim extremist. The guy in the white shirt kept getting in my face and jamming his finger into my chest, alternating between homicidal rage and actual tears of sorrow for all the heros of 9-11, Frankly he was so wasted I couldn't really understand what he was saying, although he kept pointing at me and pointing at his eyes, letting me know he was watching me. I felt threatened and absolutely unwelcome here so we left and went to this party here...

 "douche-bag" was the most popular costume this year

Great! the overall theme this Halloween seems to be taking shape...no costume, gallons of booze, boy was my face red! Anyway, not wanting everyone else's lack of spirit to ruin my night, I bravely forged ahead. Just when I was about to give up my faith in my fellow man's ability to cut-loose and go wild, we finally arrived at this party...

now THAT's more like it

So, it's "one of those" kind of parties, is it?

My faith in humanity is restored

Winner of Best Costume Award

So Friday was not a total bust, and to be perfectly honest, the actual day and night of Halloween are really the only mandatory dress up times, but we still managed to get crazy and go wild. In fact, I wasn't even sure how I got home that night until my neighbor showed me a pic she snapped of me arriving home at 6am. Good thing I left the car at home!!!

don't drink and drive

OK so that seems to cover Friday night adequately, and at least that one corner of my booze-addled brain is sorted out, but there are still 3 more days and nights of celebrating for me to cover, so tune in tomorrow for part two of my attempt at bringing the details of this historic weekend into focus...and yes...it does get worse!